Dispatches from a collapsing timeline
All the news that absolutely should not be fit to print, delivered with undeserved confidence.
August 30, 2025
The National Football League proudly announced today that its ongoing commitment to player conduct, mental health awareness, and vaguely defined “initiatives” has yielded historic progress: only 4% of this year’s draft class has murdered their…
August 12, 2025
In what media insiders are calling “the most unexpected resignation since the Pope discovered Grindr,” Rupert Murdoch has stepped down from his role overseeing The Sun after a profound psilocybin journey in which he claims he “merged with the…
August 11, 2025
VANCOUVER ISLAND, BC – The grand experiment to “reinvigorate tourism” by releasing 5,000 Bengal tigers into Vancouver Island has been declared “a bit of a cock-up” by provincial authorities after a series of events best described as “the opposite of…
August 8, 2025
By Staff Reporter – In what gaming historians are already calling “the most avoidable loss of life in MMO history,” all 40 members of a World of Warcraft Classic raid perished in real life Sunday night following a full wipe in the dungeon Molten…
May 27, 2024
In an unprecedented legal verdict, acclaimed author George R.R. Martin was found guilty of 90 million counts of emotional damages and psychological torture for failing to complete his epic fantasy series, A Song of Ice and Fire (ASOIAF). The United…