Characters:
- Paul (Twin B) – Our protagonist, the living twin.
- Tony (Twin A) – Paul’s mummified conjoined twin, completely unresponsive, dead for 10 years.
- Lisa – Paul's girlfriend, who just broke up with him for Tony.
- Waiter – A poor, unfortunate soul witnessing the conversation.
Scene: A Fancy Restaurant.
Paul and Lisa sit across from each other at a candlelit table. Paul is already on edge because Lisa has been acting strange all night. Tony is, of course, slumped against Paul’s side, wrapped in a tasteful dinner jacket. The waiter discreetly keeps his distance.
Lisa:
Paul, I… I need to tell you something. I think… we need to break up.
Paul:
(Taken aback) What? Why? Lisa, we’ve been together four months! I thought we were happy!
Lisa:
It’s… complicated.
Paul:
(Holding back panic) Is it Tony?
Lisa:
(Pauses) …Yes and no.
Paul:
(Squints) What do you mean yes and no? Of course it’s Tony. It’s always Tony. He’s a mummified corpse attached to my body. Every problem in my life is because of Tony.
Lisa:
(Blurts out) Tony and I are in love!
(A long, terrible silence. The background chatter of the restaurant dies instantly. A waiter carrying a tray of drinks stops in his tracks, eyes wide.)
Paul:
(Pure, unfiltered deadpan horror) …I’m sorry. You’re what?
Lisa:
Paul, I never meant for this to happen! But Tony understands me!
Paul:
(Still frozen) …Understands you. Understands you. The mummified, brain-dead, leathery husk of my dead conjoined twin understands you?
Lisa:
(Desperate) I know it sounds crazy—
Paul:
(Interrupting, robotic) Does it, Lisa? Does it sound crazy?
Or is it perfectly normal to wake up one day and say, “You know who really gets me? A corpse. A literal, dead, rotting corpse.”
Lisa:
(Frantic) It’s not like that! It started small—just little things. I’d talk to Tony when you were in the shower. At first, I thought I was just being silly, but then… I realized we had a connection.
Paul:
A connection. You had a connection. Lisa, he is physically attached to me. That is literally the only connection he has.
The Waiter Tentatively Approaches.
Waiter:
…Would sir like another drink?
Paul:
(Dead-eyed) Oh, I think sir will need several.
Lisa:
Paul, please don’t be mad. I never wanted to hurt you.
Paul:
(Abruptly snaps into "customer service" politeness) Oh no, Lisa, I’m not mad.
No, not at all! Why would I be mad? I’m just fascinated. Please, tell me—
How, exactly, do you have a romantic relationship with a dried-up corpse attached to my torso?
Lisa:
(Panicking) It’s not like that!
Paul:
(Deadpan) OH REALLY? Because there are only two ways this could have gone. Either:
- You are having a one-sided emotional affair with a decomposing mummy, or
- I have unknowingly been involved in the most horrifying threesome of all time.
Lisa:
(Guilty silence)
Paul:
(Voice trembling) …Lisa.
Lisa:
(Pulling at napkin) I—
Paul:
(Louder) LISA.
Lisa:
(Crumbling) It meant nothing!
Paul:
(Buries face in hands) Oh my god.
The Restaurant Has Now Fully Stopped to Listen.
A woman gasps. An old man clutches his heart. A child begins crying.
Paul:
(Hands still over face) Lisa. Just. Just one question.
Lisa:
(Nervous) …Okay?
Paul:
How—
(Deep breath)
How exactly did you get romantically involved with a man who has not spoken, moved, or exhibited any signs of life in a decade?
Lisa:
(Looking away) He… he listens better than you do.
Paul:
(Slow blink)
Paul Slowly Turns to Look at Tony.
Tony, of course, does absolutely nothing because he is a corpse attached to Paul’s body.
Paul:
(Squinting at his own dead twin)
Oh my god.
Lisa:
(Softly) What?
Paul:
You’re serious.
You are actually serious.
You think he’s your boyfriend?
Lisa:
I… I don’t expect you to understand.
Paul:
(Voice cracking) Lisa, he doesn’t even have EYES.
Lisa:
(Wistful) I look into his soul.
Paul:
(Horrified whisper) You look into his eye sockets.
The Waiter Steps Back in.
Waiter:
…Would madam like another drink?
Lisa:
Yes. A chardonnay, please.
Paul:
(Dead-eyed) And for me, the strongest alcohol you have. And a priest.
The Restaurant Explodes Into Chaos
- Lisa runs out crying.
- Paul screams into his napkin.
- An old woman faints.
- The waiter quietly quits his job.
- *Tony does absolutely nothing because he is a corpse.
Final Scene:
Paul stares at Tony. A long silence.
Paul:
(Slowly) You son of a bitch.
(Tony does nothing.)
Paul:
(Louder) YOU TOOK MY GIRLFRIEND.
(Tony does nothing.)
Paul:
What is WRONG with you?!
(Tony does nothing.)
Paul:
…You think you’re better than me?
(Tony continues to do absolutely nothing.)
Paul:
(Gritting teeth)
You know what, fine. Fine. She’s yours, Tony. Enjoy your relationship. But you know what? You’ll never be able to hold her hand.
(Tony does nothing.)
Paul:
(Pauses)
(Tony continues to do nothing.)
Paul:
…Okay, that was a low blow.
(Cut to black.)
END SCENE.
"A Very Awkward Christmas"
(A dark, absurdist, Monty Python-style Christmas dinner comedy skit where Paul is the only sane person in the room—while his family gaslights him into accepting that his mummified twin is dating his ex-girlfriend.)
Characters
- Paul – Our protagonist. The living twin. Furious that this is happening.
- Tony – Paul's mummified conjoined twin. (He says nothing, does nothing, and yet has somehow stolen Paul’s ex.)
- Lisa – Paul’s ex-girlfriend, now proudly dating Tony.
- Mom – Sweet, wholesome, deeply delusional.
- Dad – Gruff but supportive. Thinks Paul is "selfish" for not letting Tony be happy.
- Sister (Claire) – Annoying, smug, and absolutely Team Tony & Lisa.
- Grandma Edna – 92 years old, hard of hearing, has no idea what’s going on.
- Uncle Mike – Drunk, confused, but rolling with it.
- The Christmas Turkey – The only one suffering more than Paul.
Scene: The Family Christmas Dinner
A cozy dining room. A beautifully decorated Christmas tree stands in the corner. The table is covered in delicious holiday food. Paul sits stiffly at one end of the table, gripping a fork like a weapon. Sitting beside him is Tony, his mummified, very dead twin, dressed in a festive sweater. Lisa, glowing with happiness, sits beside Tony, holding his unmoving, leathery hand.
Mom:
(Excited) Well, isn’t this just wonderful! The whole family together! And a new romance blossoming.
Paul:
(Deadpan) You mean the romance between my dead, conjoined twin, and my ex-girlfriend? Yes, mother. Truly a Christmas miracle.
Lisa:
(Patting Tony’s hand) Paul, I know this is hard for you—
Paul:
(Interrupts) Oh, do you? Do you really?
Because I think the hard part is sitting here watching my mummified brother go on a dinner date at the same table as me.
Claire (Sister):
(Smirking) You’re being dramatic.
Paul:
(Absolutely losing it) I’M BEING DRAMATIC? Claire, she is DATING A CORPSE ATTACHED TO ME.
Dad:
(Putting down his fork) Paul. Don’t be selfish.
Paul:
(Chokes on wine) SELFISH?!
Mom:
(Softly) It’s been so long since Tony had someone special in his life…
Paul:
(Blank stare) HE HAS BEEN DEAD FOR TEN YEARS.
Grandma Edna Suddenly Perks Up
Grandma Edna:
(Confused) Who’s dead?
Paul:
(Triumphantly) THANK YOU. Finally, someone with some common sense!
Mom:
(Patting Grandma’s hand) Oh, don’t worry, Edna dear. It’s just Paul being bitter that his brother is in love.
Paul:
(Increasingly unhinged) "IN LOVE"? MOM, HE DOESN’T HAVE A PULSE! HE DOESN’T HAVE FUNCTIONING ORGANS! HE HAS THE ROMANTIC ABILITIES OF A DUSTY HANDBAG!
Lisa:
(Shrinking) Paul, you don’t have to be mean about it…
Paul:
Mean about what, Lisa?! The fact that you’re cuddling a desiccated corpse AT CHRISTMAS DINNER like this is some kind of Hallmark romance?!
Uncle Mike, Who is Very Drunk, Chimes In
Uncle Mike:
(Squinting) …Wait. So, hold on. You’re saying Lisa is… y’know… (makes an obscene gesture) …with the dead guy?
Lisa:
(Shrugging, blushing) It’s not like that.
Paul:
(Horrified) OH GOD PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME IT’S NOT LIKE THAT.
Claire:
(Smirking) Paul, you’re so closed-minded.
Paul:
Oh. OH. I’M CLOSED-MINDED?! I’m closed-minded?! I’M SORRY FOR NOT BEING OPEN TO NECROPHILIA AT THE CHRISTMAS TABLE, CLAIRE.
Mom:
Sweetie, there’s no need to be crude.
Paul:
Crude? Crude? You know what’s crude, Mom?
THE FACT THAT WE JUST PRETENDED TO CLINK GLASSES TO A CORPSE’S HAPPINESS.
Lisa Tries to Defend Herself
Lisa:
Paul, I know this is weird for you—
Paul:
Oh, do you? DO YOU KNOW? Because let me tell you, Lisa, I feel super normal sitting here, eating mashed potatoes next to my mummified, dead sibling, who apparently pulls more women than I do.
Lisa:
(Softly) You’re just jealous.
Paul:
(Jaw drops) JEALOUS?!
Mom:
Sweetie, if you just let yourself be happy for them—
Paul:
(Snapping) NO! I REFUSE!
Grandma Edna Perks Up Again
Grandma Edna:
So wait, which twin is dead?
Paul:
(Staring at her) GRANDMA. I AM ALIVE.
Grandma Edna:
(Leaning in) …Are you sure?
Paul:
(Emotionally crumbling) NO, GRANDMA. I’M NOT SURE OF ANYTHING ANYMORE.
Dad Tries to Mediate
Dad:
Paul, listen. Relationships are built on connection. And Tony and Lisa have that connection.
Paul:
What connection? HE HAS BEEN DEAD SINCE OBAMA’S FIRST TERM.
Claire:
Well, some relationships are just deeper than the physical.
Paul:
I AM LOOKING AT HIS ROTTING BODY RIGHT NOW. THERE IS NO PHYSICAL.
The Turkey Collapses Under Its Own Weight
(An unsettling parallel to Paul’s mental state.)
Uncle Mike:
(Looking at turkey) Well, this just got symbolic.
Paul:
(Screaming into his hands) MAKE IT STOP. PLEASE, SOMEONE, MAKE IT STOP.
Final Straw
Mom:
Paul, all we’re saying is that you should be happy for your brother.
Paul:
(Quietly) …Mom.
Mom:
Yes, dear?
Paul:
(Voice trembling) I just watched Lisa try to put a Christmas cracker in Tony’s dead, leathery hand… and then PULL IT FOR HIM.
(The room falls silent. Lisa is looking at the table, embarrassed.)
Paul:
You know what? Fine. Fine. If this is my life, so be it.
(Paul stands up, grabs the bottle of wine, and walks directly out of the house into the cold winter night.)
Claire:
(Dryly) …I think he took that well.
Lisa:
(Sniffling) I hope he comes around.
Mom:
Oh, he will. He’s just being a Grinch.
(A long pause as everyone continues eating.)
Uncle Mike:
(Squinting at Tony) …So do you guys, like, kiss or what?
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END.
"Till Death Do Us Part… Again"
(The grand finale of the most unhinged, darkly absurd, Monty Python-esque saga yet. Paul reaches his breaking point at his dead twin’s wedding, gets falsely accused of kidnapping a corpse, and, in a final act of karmic vengeance, leaves Lisa happily honeymooning in Ibiza with a conjoined mummy.)
Scene 1: The Wedding Ceremony
A beautiful church. Guests are gathered in their finest attire. At the altar, Lisa stands in a stunning white dress, holding a bouquet. Next to her, standing tall but very much dead, is Tony, dressed in an expensive tuxedo. He is propped up on a reinforced wedding stand to keep him upright.
Paul sits in the front row, gripping the sides of the pew so hard his knuckles are white. He is doing everything in his power to shut up and get through this nightmare.
Minister:
“…If there is any reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”
A thick silence fills the room. Paul stares straight ahead, biting his lip so hard he might draw blood.
A bead of sweat runs down his temple. His fingers twitch. He is vibrating with rage. The minister waits just a second too long. Paul finally snaps.
Paul (Exploding Out of His Seat):
THAT’S IT. THAT’S FUCKING IT.
Scene 2: Paul’s Absolute Meltdown
Paul:
“I HAVE PUT UP WITH A LOT OF SHIT OVER THE LAST YEAR. I SAT THROUGH DINNERS, VACATIONS, BIRTHDAYS, ALL WITH MY DEAD, MUMMIFIED BROTHER PLAYING HOUSE WITH MY EX. I LISTENED TO PEOPLE—MY OWN FAMILY—TELL ME I SHOULD BE ‘HAPPY FOR HIM.’ I LET YOU PEOPLE GASLIGHT ME INTO ACCEPTING THE MOST BATSHIT INSANE SITUATION IN HISTORY.”
Guests gasp. Paul kicks over a chair.
Paul (Continued, Voice Cracking):
“BUT I DRAW THE LINE AT A FUCKING WEDDING. HE IS DEAD. DEAD. D-E-A-D. DEAD SINCE 2013. HE SHOULD NOT BE WEARING A TUXEDO. HE SHOULD NOT BE STANDING AT THE ALTAR LIKE SOME SORT OF HORROR MOVIE PROP. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I CAN’T BE HERE. I’M DONE. I’M FUCKING DONE.”
He turns to Lisa, his eyes bloodshot, his voice breaking with desperation.
Paul:
“LISA. YOU ARE MARRYING A CORPSE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW PSYCHOTIC THAT IS?”
Lisa (Tearing Up):
“Why are you being so cruel on our special day?”
Paul:
“BECAUSE IT SHOULDN’T BE A SPECIAL DAY! IT SHOULD BE A DAY WHERE YOU ARE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL.”
Claire (Sister, Scoffing):
“Ugh. You always have to make things about yourself.”
Mom (Disappointed, Shaking Head):
“You just can’t let Tony have one moment, can you?”
Scene 3: Paul’s Escape
Paul stares at them. Stares at the congregation. Stares at Tony’s dead, taxidermied, wedding-dressed husk. Something inside him breaks. He turns, marches to the altar, GRABS Tony by the shoulders, and DRAGS HIM DOWN THE AISLE.
The church ERUPTS into gasps and outrage.
Lisa (Screaming):
“PAUL, YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!”
Paul (Marching Out, Huffing):
“NOPE. I’M TAKING MY BROTHER FOR A NICE, LONG DRIVE.”
Lisa chases after him, sobbing. The guests are screaming in outrage. Paul reaches his car, throws Tony into the passenger seat like an old suitcase, and speeds off.
Scene 4: The Cop Pulls Paul Over
Ten minutes later, Paul’s white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel relaxes. He exhales, relieved to finally be away from the madness…
Then the sirens start. A police car flashes its lights behind him.
Cop (Walking Up to Paul’s Window):
“Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
Paul (Sighs, Running a Hand Over His Face):
“Oh, I don’t know, Officer. Was it because of my speeding? Because I’m guilty of that. Was it because I ran a stop sign? Maybe. Or—OR—was it because my mummified twin brother is strapped into my passenger seat wearing a tuxedo like some hellish ventriloquist dummy?”
Cop (Ignores That, Looks At His Notes):
“Sir, we have a report that you abducted a man from his own wedding.”
Paul (Glaring, Flatly):
“Oh for fuck’s sake.”
Cop:
“Sir, you can’t just whisk a man away during his wedding. I need you to return Tony immediately.”
Paul:
(Seething)
"Officer. Tony is DEAD."
Cop:
(Hands on hips, unimpressed)
"Sir, the fact that you’re speaking for him really makes me question that.”
Paul (Absolutely Losing It):
“OH REALLY? YOU QUESTION THAT? HOW ABOUT YOU GO SHAKE HIS HAND AND SEE IF HE BLINKS?”
Cop:
"Sir, stop being difficult. Return him to his bride."
Paul:
"Oh, I’ll return him, alright. In a fucking URN."
Scene 5: Tony’s Dramatic Death
Paul is so frustrated, so enraged, his heart starts racing. His face turns red. His pulse pounds. His chest tightens.
And then—he collapses against the steering wheel.
Cop (Knocking on the Window):
"Sir? Sir, are you okay?"
Paul doesn’t answer. Because Paul is dead. He has died of a rage-induced heart attack.
(A long, dramatic silence. The officer blinks. Slowly, he realizes the absurdity of what has just happened. Paul, the living twin, is dead… while Tony, the dead twin, remains perfectly intact.)
Cop (Muttering):
"Well, that’s fucking ironic."
Scene 6: Lisa’s Honeymoon
Smash cut to Ibiza. The sun sets over the beach. Lisa lounges in a beach chair, drinking champagne. Beside her, in his own beach chair, sits Tony—completely lifeless, wrapped in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses.
Lisa (Sighing Happily):
"I’m so glad everything worked out."
A waiter approaches.
Waiter (Hesitant, Nervous Glance at Tony):
"Would your, uh… would your husband like anything to drink?"
Lisa (Giggling):
"Oh, Tony’s easy. Just a splash of formaldehyde in his mojito!"
The waiter stares at her in pure existential horror.
FADE TO BLACK.
- Paul is dead.
- Lisa is happy.
- Tony is still a corpse.
- The world keeps turning.