[{"data":1,"prerenderedAt":2230},["ShallowReactive",2],{"content:article:/stories/its-always-tony":3},{"id":4,"title":5,"body":6,"date":2219,"description":15,"extension":2220,"image":2221,"meta":2222,"navigation":2223,"path":2224,"seo":2225,"stem":2226,"tags":2227,"__hash__":2229},"stories/stories/its-always-tony.md","It's Always Tony",{"type":7,"value":8,"toc":2064},"minimark",[9,16,51,54,61,67,69,75,78,84,87,92,95,100,103,108,111,116,134,139,145,148,150,155,161,166,173,178,199,204,207,212,222,232,237,243,248,262,264,270,276,279,284,287,292,295,300,303,310,315,320,323,328,338,352,357,360,365,368,373,376,381,387,392,398,403,409,411,417,422,424,429,436,441,444,449,452,455,469,474,481,486,489,491,497,506,508,513,516,518,523,526,531,534,540,543,548,551,556,562,567,570,575,581,583,589,594,597,602,605,610,616,618,624,652,654,660,665,670,673,676,681,686,688,693,698,700,705,710,713,718,721,735,737,742,745,748,753,756,759,761,767,773,781,783,789,862,864,870,875,877,883,894,899,909,914,917,922,931,945,951,954,959,965,971,974,979,982,987,994,999,1005,1007,1013,1019,1022,1027,1034,1039,1046,1051,1057,1062,1065,1070,1088,1090,1096,1102,1105,1110,1113,1118,1121,1127,1133,1138,1145,1150,1153,1158,1165,1171,1173,1179,1184,1187,1192,1202,1207,1210,1215,1218,1223,1226,1231,1234,1236,1242,1247,1250,1255,1258,1263,1266,1271,1277,1279,1285,1290,1299,1304,1314,1319,1322,1327,1338,1340,1346,1351,1356,1359,1364,1370,1372,1378,1383,1386,1391,1394,1399,1402,1407,1413,1418,1423,1429,1438,1443,1446,1451,1454,1459,1462,1467,1472,1475,1480,1482,1488,1494,1499,1501,1507,1516,1525,1527,1533,1538,1543,1552,1554,1560,1566,1568,1574,1579,1587,1592,1594,1600,1617,1622,1624,1629,1638,1644,1649,1654,1666,1672,1677,1683,1688,1690,1696,1708,1713,1719,1724,1730,1738,1747,1749,1755,1760,1769,1771,1777,1782,1788,1800,1806,1811,1817,1822,1828,1833,1838,1841,1850,1855,1858,1863,1869,1874,1879,1884,1889,1894,1896,1902,1915,1923,1925,1931,1936,1948,1960,1966,1971,1973,1979,1984,1990,1995,2000,2006,2011,2017,2022,2030,2032,2037,2059],[10,11,12],"p",{},[13,14,15],"strong",{},"Characters:",[17,18,19,26,36,45],"ul",{},[20,21,22,25],"li",{},[13,23,24],{},"Paul"," (Twin B) – Our protagonist, the living twin.",[20,27,28,31,32,35],{},[13,29,30],{},"Tony"," (Twin A) – Paul’s ",[13,33,34],{},"mummified"," conjoined twin, completely unresponsive, dead for 10 years.",[20,37,38,41,42],{},[13,39,40],{},"Lisa"," – Paul's girlfriend, who just broke up with him for ",[13,43,44],{},"Tony.",[20,46,47,50],{},[13,48,49],{},"Waiter"," – A poor, unfortunate soul witnessing the conversation.",[52,53],"hr",{},[55,56,58],"h3",{"id":57},"scene-a-fancy-restaurant",[13,59,60],{},"Scene: A Fancy Restaurant.",[10,62,63],{},[64,65,66],"em",{},"Paul and Lisa sit across from each other at a candlelit table. Paul is already on edge because Lisa has been acting strange all night. Tony is, of course, slumped against Paul’s side, wrapped in a tasteful dinner jacket. The waiter discreetly keeps his distance.",[52,68],{},[55,70,72],{"id":71},"lisa",[13,73,74],{},"Lisa:",[10,76,77],{},"Paul, I… I need to tell you something. I think… we need to break up.",[55,79,81],{"id":80},"paul",[13,82,83],{},"Paul:",[10,85,86],{},"(Taken aback) What? Why? Lisa, we’ve been together four months! I thought we were happy!",[55,88,90],{"id":89},"lisa-1",[13,91,74],{},[10,93,94],{},"It’s… complicated.",[55,96,98],{"id":97},"paul-1",[13,99,83],{},[10,101,102],{},"(Holding back panic) Is it Tony?",[55,104,106],{"id":105},"lisa-2",[13,107,74],{},[10,109,110],{},"(Pauses) …Yes and no.",[55,112,114],{"id":113},"paul-2",[13,115,83],{},[10,117,118,119,122,123,126,127,130,131],{},"(Squints) What do you mean ",[64,120,121],{},"yes and no","? Of course it’s Tony. It’s ",[64,124,125],{},"always"," Tony. He’s a ",[64,128,129],{},"mummified corpse"," attached to my body. Every problem in my life is ",[13,132,133],{},"because of Tony.",[55,135,137],{"id":136},"lisa-3",[13,138,74],{},[10,140,141,142],{},"(Blurts out) ",[64,143,144],{},"Tony and I are in love!",[10,146,147],{},"(A long, terrible silence. The background chatter of the restaurant dies instantly. A waiter carrying a tray of drinks stops in his tracks, eyes wide.)",[52,149],{},[55,151,153],{"id":152},"paul-3",[13,154,83],{},[10,156,157,158],{},"(Pure, unfiltered deadpan horror) …I’m sorry. You’re ",[64,159,160],{},"what?",[55,162,164],{"id":163},"lisa-4",[13,165,74],{},[10,167,168,169,172],{},"Paul, I never meant for this to happen! But Tony ",[64,170,171],{},"understands"," me!",[55,174,176],{"id":175},"paul-4",[13,177,83],{},[10,179,180,181,184,185,187,188,187,191,194,195,198],{},"(Still frozen) …Understands you. ",[64,182,183],{},"Understands you."," The ",[13,186,34],{},", ",[13,189,190],{},"brain-dead",[13,192,193],{},"leathery husk"," of my ",[13,196,197],{},"dead conjoined twin"," understands you?",[55,200,202],{"id":201},"lisa-5",[13,203,74],{},[10,205,206],{},"(Desperate) I know it sounds crazy—",[55,208,210],{"id":209},"paul-5",[13,211,83],{},[10,213,214,215,218,219],{},"(Interrupting, robotic) ",[13,216,217],{},"Does it, Lisa?"," ",[13,220,221],{},"Does it sound crazy?",[10,223,224,225],{},"Or is it perfectly normal to wake up one day and say, ",[64,226,227,228,231],{},"“You know who really gets me? A corpse. A ",[13,229,230],{},"literal, dead, rotting corpse.","”",[55,233,235],{"id":234},"lisa-6",[13,236,74],{},[10,238,239,240],{},"(Frantic) It’s not like that! It started small—just little things. I’d talk to Tony when you were in the shower. At first, I thought I was just being silly, but then… I realized we had a ",[64,241,242],{},"connection.",[55,244,246],{"id":245},"paul-6",[13,247,83],{},[10,249,250,251,254,255,258,259],{},"A connection. You had a ",[13,252,253],{},"connection",". Lisa, ",[64,256,257],{},"he is physically attached to me."," That is ",[13,260,261],{},"literally the only connection he has.",[52,263],{},[55,265,267],{"id":266},"the-waiter-tentatively-approaches",[13,268,269],{},"The Waiter Tentatively Approaches.",[55,271,273],{"id":272},"waiter",[13,274,275],{},"Waiter:",[10,277,278],{},"…Would sir like another drink?",[55,280,282],{"id":281},"paul-7",[13,283,83],{},[10,285,286],{},"(Dead-eyed) Oh, I think sir will need several.",[55,288,290],{"id":289},"lisa-7",[13,291,74],{},[10,293,294],{},"Paul, please don’t be mad. I never wanted to hurt you.",[55,296,298],{"id":297},"paul-8",[13,299,83],{},[10,301,302],{},"(Abruptly snaps into \"customer service\" politeness) Oh no, Lisa, I’m not mad.",[10,304,305,306,309],{},"No, not at all! Why would I be mad? I’m just ",[13,307,308],{},"fascinated."," Please, tell me—",[10,311,312],{},[13,313,314],{},"How, exactly, do you have a romantic relationship with a dried-up corpse attached to my torso?",[55,316,318],{"id":317},"lisa-8",[13,319,74],{},[10,321,322],{},"(Panicking) It’s not like that!",[55,324,326],{"id":325},"paul-9",[13,327,83],{},[10,329,330,331,334,335],{},"(Deadpan) OH REALLY? Because there are ",[64,332,333],{},"only"," two ways this could have gone. ",[13,336,337],{},"Either:",[339,340,341,347],"ol",{},[20,342,343,346],{},[13,344,345],{},"You are having a one-sided emotional affair with a decomposing mummy,"," or",[20,348,349],{},[13,350,351],{},"I have unknowingly been involved in the most horrifying threesome of all time.",[55,353,355],{"id":354},"lisa-9",[13,356,74],{},[10,358,359],{},"(Guilty silence)",[55,361,363],{"id":362},"paul-10",[13,364,83],{},[10,366,367],{},"(Voice trembling) …Lisa.",[55,369,371],{"id":370},"lisa-10",[13,372,74],{},[10,374,375],{},"(Pulling at napkin) I—",[55,377,379],{"id":378},"paul-11",[13,380,83],{},[10,382,383,384],{},"(Louder) ",[64,385,386],{},"LISA.",[55,388,390],{"id":389},"lisa-11",[13,391,74],{},[10,393,394,395],{},"(Crumbling) ",[64,396,397],{},"It meant nothing!",[55,399,401],{"id":400},"paul-12",[13,402,83],{},[10,404,405,406],{},"(Buries face in hands) ",[64,407,408],{},"Oh my god.",[52,410],{},[55,412,414],{"id":413},"the-restaurant-has-now-fully-stopped-to-listen",[13,415,416],{},"The Restaurant Has Now Fully Stopped to Listen.",[10,418,419],{},[64,420,421],{},"A woman gasps. An old man clutches his heart. A child begins crying.",[52,423],{},[55,425,427],{"id":426},"paul-13",[13,428,83],{},[10,430,431,432,435],{},"(Hands still over face) Lisa. Just. Just ",[64,433,434],{},"one"," question.",[55,437,439],{"id":438},"lisa-12",[13,440,74],{},[10,442,443],{},"(Nervous) …Okay?",[55,445,447],{"id":446},"paul-14",[13,448,83],{},[10,450,451],{},"How—",[10,453,454],{},"(Deep breath)",[10,456,457,458,461,462,465,466],{},"How exactly did you get ",[13,459,460],{},"romantically involved"," with a ",[13,463,464],{},"man"," who has not spoken, moved, or exhibited any signs of life in a ",[13,467,468],{},"decade?",[55,470,472],{"id":471},"lisa-13",[13,473,74],{},[10,475,476,477,480],{},"(Looking away) He… he ",[64,478,479],{},"listens"," better than you do.",[55,482,484],{"id":483},"paul-15",[13,485,83],{},[10,487,488],{},"(Slow blink)",[52,490],{},[55,492,494],{"id":493},"paul-slowly-turns-to-look-at-tony",[13,495,496],{},"Paul Slowly Turns to Look at Tony.",[10,498,499],{},[64,500,501,502,505],{},"Tony, of course, does absolutely nothing because he is ",[13,503,504],{},"a corpse"," attached to Paul’s body.",[52,507],{},[55,509,511],{"id":510},"paul-16",[13,512,83],{},[10,514,515],{},"(Squinting at his own dead twin)",[10,517,408],{},[55,519,521],{"id":520},"lisa-14",[13,522,74],{},[10,524,525],{},"(Softly) What?",[55,527,529],{"id":528},"paul-17",[13,530,83],{},[10,532,533],{},"You’re serious.",[10,535,536,537],{},"You are ",[13,538,539],{},"actually serious.",[10,541,542],{},"You think he’s your boyfriend?",[55,544,546],{"id":545},"lisa-15",[13,547,74],{},[10,549,550],{},"I… I don’t expect you to understand.",[55,552,554],{"id":553},"paul-18",[13,555,83],{},[10,557,558,559],{},"(Voice cracking) Lisa, he ",[13,560,561],{},"doesn’t even have EYES.",[55,563,565],{"id":564},"lisa-16",[13,566,74],{},[10,568,569],{},"(Wistful) I look into his soul.",[55,571,573],{"id":572},"paul-19",[13,574,83],{},[10,576,577,578],{},"(Horrified whisper) You look into his ",[64,579,580],{},"eye sockets.",[52,582],{},[55,584,586],{"id":585},"the-waiter-steps-back-in",[13,587,588],{},"The Waiter Steps Back in.",[55,590,592],{"id":591},"waiter-1",[13,593,275],{},[10,595,596],{},"…Would madam like another drink?",[55,598,600],{"id":599},"lisa-17",[13,601,74],{},[10,603,604],{},"Yes. A chardonnay, please.",[55,606,608],{"id":607},"paul-20",[13,609,83],{},[10,611,612,613],{},"(Dead-eyed) And for me, the strongest alcohol you have. And a ",[13,614,615],{},"priest.",[52,617],{},[55,619,621],{"id":620},"the-restaurant-explodes-into-chaos",[13,622,623],{},"The Restaurant Explodes Into Chaos",[17,625,626,631,636,641,646],{},[20,627,628],{},[13,629,630],{},"Lisa runs out crying.",[20,632,633],{},[13,634,635],{},"Paul screams into his napkin.",[20,637,638],{},[13,639,640],{},"An old woman faints.",[20,642,643],{},[13,644,645],{},"The waiter quietly quits his job.",[20,647,648,649],{},"*Tony does absolutely nothing because he is a ",[13,650,651],{},"corpse.",[52,653],{},[55,655,657],{"id":656},"final-scene",[13,658,659],{},"Final Scene:",[10,661,662],{},[64,663,664],{},"Paul stares at Tony. A long silence.",[55,666,668],{"id":667},"paul-21",[13,669,83],{},[10,671,672],{},"(Slowly) You son of a bitch.",[10,674,675],{},"(Tony does nothing.)",[55,677,679],{"id":678},"paul-22",[13,680,83],{},[10,682,383,683],{},[64,684,685],{},"YOU TOOK MY GIRLFRIEND.",[10,687,675],{},[55,689,691],{"id":690},"paul-23",[13,692,83],{},[10,694,695],{},[64,696,697],{},"What is WRONG with you?!",[10,699,675],{},[55,701,703],{"id":702},"paul-24",[13,704,83],{},[10,706,707],{},[64,708,709],{},"…You think you’re better than me?",[10,711,712],{},"(Tony continues to do absolutely nothing.)",[55,714,716],{"id":715},"paul-25",[13,717,83],{},[10,719,720],{},"(Gritting teeth)",[10,722,723,724,727,728,731,732],{},"You know what, fine. ",[13,725,726],{},"Fine."," She’s yours, Tony. ",[64,729,730],{},"Enjoy your relationship."," But you know what? ",[13,733,734],{},"You’ll never be able to hold her hand.",[10,736,675],{},[55,738,740],{"id":739},"paul-26",[13,741,83],{},[10,743,744],{},"(Pauses)",[10,746,747],{},"(Tony continues to do nothing.)",[55,749,751],{"id":750},"paul-27",[13,752,83],{},[10,754,755],{},"…Okay, that was a low blow.",[10,757,758],{},"(Cut to black.)",[52,760],{},[55,762,764],{"id":763},"end-scene",[13,765,766],{},"END SCENE.",[55,768,770],{"id":769},"a-very-awkward-christmas",[13,771,772],{},"\"A Very Awkward Christmas\"",[10,774,775],{},[64,776,777,778,780],{},"(A dark, absurdist, Monty Python-style Christmas dinner comedy skit where Paul is the only sane person in the room—while his family gaslights him into accepting that his ",[13,779,34],{}," twin is dating his ex-girlfriend.)",[52,782],{},[55,784,786],{"id":785},"characters",[13,787,788],{},"Characters",[17,790,791,800,812,823,829,835,844,850,856],{},[20,792,793,795,796,799],{},[13,794,24],{}," – Our protagonist. The ",[64,797,798],{},"living"," twin. Furious that this is happening.",[20,801,802,804,805,807,808,811],{},[13,803,30],{}," – Paul's ",[13,806,34],{}," conjoined twin. (He says nothing, does nothing, and yet has ",[64,809,810],{},"somehow"," stolen Paul’s ex.)",[20,813,814,816,817,820,821],{},[13,815,40],{}," – Paul’s ",[64,818,819],{},"ex-girlfriend",", now proudly dating ",[13,822,44],{},[20,824,825,828],{},[13,826,827],{},"Mom"," – Sweet, wholesome, deeply delusional.",[20,830,831,834],{},[13,832,833],{},"Dad"," – Gruff but supportive. Thinks Paul is \"selfish\" for not letting Tony be happy.",[20,836,837,840,841],{},[13,838,839],{},"Sister (Claire)"," – Annoying, smug, and absolutely ",[64,842,843],{},"Team Tony & Lisa.",[20,845,846,849],{},[13,847,848],{},"Grandma Edna"," – 92 years old, hard of hearing, has no idea what’s going on.",[20,851,852,855],{},[13,853,854],{},"Uncle Mike"," – Drunk, confused, but rolling with it.",[20,857,858,861],{},[13,859,860],{},"The Christmas Turkey"," – The only one suffering more than Paul.",[52,863],{},[55,865,867],{"id":866},"scene-the-family-christmas-dinner",[13,868,869],{},"Scene: The Family Christmas Dinner",[10,871,872],{},[64,873,874],{},"A cozy dining room. A beautifully decorated Christmas tree stands in the corner. The table is covered in delicious holiday food. Paul sits stiffly at one end of the table, gripping a fork like a weapon. Sitting beside him is Tony, his mummified, very dead twin, dressed in a festive sweater. Lisa, glowing with happiness, sits beside Tony, holding his unmoving, leathery hand.",[52,876],{},[55,878,880],{"id":879},"mom",[13,881,882],{},"Mom:",[10,884,885,886,889,890,893],{},"(Excited) Well, isn’t this just ",[64,887,888],{},"wonderful!"," The whole family together! ",[64,891,892],{},"And"," a new romance blossoming.",[55,895,897],{"id":896},"paul-28",[13,898,83],{},[10,900,901,902,905,906],{},"(Deadpan) You mean the romance between ",[13,903,904],{},"my dead, conjoined twin, and my ex-girlfriend?"," Yes, mother. Truly ",[13,907,908],{},"a Christmas miracle.",[55,910,912],{"id":911},"lisa-18",[13,913,74],{},[10,915,916],{},"(Patting Tony’s hand) Paul, I know this is hard for you—",[55,918,920],{"id":919},"paul-29",[13,921,83],{},[10,923,924,925,218,928],{},"(Interrupts) Oh, ",[64,926,927],{},"do you?",[64,929,930],{},"Do you really?",[10,932,933,934,937,938,941,942],{},"Because ",[64,935,936],{},"I"," think the hard part is sitting here watching my ",[13,939,940],{},"mummified brother"," go on a dinner date ",[13,943,944],{},"at the same table as me.",[55,946,948],{"id":947},"claire-sister",[13,949,950],{},"Claire (Sister):",[10,952,953],{},"(Smirking) You’re being dramatic.",[55,955,957],{"id":956},"paul-30",[13,958,83],{},[10,960,961,962],{},"(Absolutely losing it) I’M BEING DRAMATIC? Claire, ",[64,963,964],{},"she is DATING A CORPSE ATTACHED TO ME.",[55,966,968],{"id":967},"dad",[13,969,970],{},"Dad:",[10,972,973],{},"(Putting down his fork) Paul. Don’t be selfish.",[55,975,977],{"id":976},"paul-31",[13,978,83],{},[10,980,981],{},"(Chokes on wine) SELFISH?!",[55,983,985],{"id":984},"mom-1",[13,986,882],{},[10,988,989,990,993],{},"(Softly) It’s been ",[64,991,992],{},"so"," long since Tony had someone special in his life…",[55,995,997],{"id":996},"paul-32",[13,998,83],{},[10,1000,1001,1002],{},"(Blank stare) HE HAS BEEN DEAD FOR ",[13,1003,1004],{},"TEN YEARS.",[52,1006],{},[55,1008,1010],{"id":1009},"grandma-edna-suddenly-perks-up",[13,1011,1012],{},"Grandma Edna Suddenly Perks Up",[55,1014,1016],{"id":1015},"grandma-edna",[13,1017,1018],{},"Grandma Edna:",[10,1020,1021],{},"(Confused) Who’s dead?",[55,1023,1025],{"id":1024},"paul-33",[13,1026,83],{},[10,1028,1029,1030,1033],{},"(Triumphantly) ",[64,1031,1032],{},"THANK YOU."," Finally, someone with some common sense!",[55,1035,1037],{"id":1036},"mom-2",[13,1038,882],{},[10,1040,1041,1042,1045],{},"(Patting Grandma’s hand) Oh, don’t worry, Edna dear. It’s just Paul being ",[13,1043,1044],{},"bitter"," that his brother is in love.",[55,1047,1049],{"id":1048},"paul-34",[13,1050,83],{},[10,1052,1053,1054],{},"(Increasingly unhinged) \"IN LOVE\"? MOM, HE DOESN’T HAVE A PULSE! HE DOESN’T HAVE FUNCTIONING ORGANS! HE HAS THE ROMANTIC ABILITIES OF A ",[13,1055,1056],{},"DUSTY HANDBAG!",[55,1058,1060],{"id":1059},"lisa-19",[13,1061,74],{},[10,1063,1064],{},"(Shrinking) Paul, you don’t have to be mean about it…",[55,1066,1068],{"id":1067},"paul-35",[13,1069,83],{},[10,1071,1072,1073,1076,1077,218,1080,1083,1084,1087],{},"Mean about ",[64,1074,1075],{},"what",", Lisa?! The fact that you’re ",[13,1078,1079],{},"cuddling a desiccated corpse",[13,1081,1082],{},"AT CHRISTMAS DINNER"," like this is some kind of ",[64,1085,1086],{},"Hallmark romance","?!",[52,1089],{},[55,1091,1093],{"id":1092},"uncle-mike-who-is-very-drunk-chimes-in",[13,1094,1095],{},"Uncle Mike, Who is Very Drunk, Chimes In",[55,1097,1099],{"id":1098},"uncle-mike",[13,1100,1101],{},"Uncle Mike:",[10,1103,1104],{},"(Squinting) …Wait. So, hold on. You’re saying Lisa is… y’know… (makes an obscene gesture) …with the dead guy?",[55,1106,1108],{"id":1107},"lisa-20",[13,1109,74],{},[10,1111,1112],{},"(Shrugging, blushing) It’s not like that.",[55,1114,1116],{"id":1115},"paul-36",[13,1117,83],{},[10,1119,1120],{},"(Horrified) OH GOD PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME IT’S NOT LIKE THAT.",[55,1122,1124],{"id":1123},"claire",[13,1125,1126],{},"Claire:",[10,1128,1129,1130],{},"(Smirking) Paul, you’re so ",[64,1131,1132],{},"closed-minded.",[55,1134,1136],{"id":1135},"paul-37",[13,1137,83],{},[10,1139,1140,1141,1144],{},"Oh. OH. I’M CLOSED-MINDED?! ",[64,1142,1143],{},"I’m closed-minded?!"," I’M SORRY FOR NOT BEING OPEN TO NECROPHILIA AT THE CHRISTMAS TABLE, CLAIRE.",[55,1146,1148],{"id":1147},"mom-3",[13,1149,882],{},[10,1151,1152],{},"Sweetie, there’s no need to be crude.",[55,1154,1156],{"id":1155},"paul-38",[13,1157,83],{},[10,1159,1160,1161,1164],{},"Crude? ",[64,1162,1163],{},"Crude?"," You know what’s crude, Mom?",[10,1166,1167,1168],{},"THE FACT THAT WE JUST PRETENDED TO CLINK GLASSES TO A ",[13,1169,1170],{},"CORPSE’S HAPPINESS.",[52,1172],{},[55,1174,1176],{"id":1175},"lisa-tries-to-defend-herself",[13,1177,1178],{},"Lisa Tries to Defend Herself",[55,1180,1182],{"id":1181},"lisa-21",[13,1183,74],{},[10,1185,1186],{},"Paul, I know this is weird for you—",[55,1188,1190],{"id":1189},"paul-39",[13,1191,83],{},[10,1193,1194,1195,1198,1199],{},"Oh, do you? DO YOU KNOW? Because let me tell you, Lisa, I feel ",[13,1196,1197],{},"super normal"," sitting here, eating mashed potatoes next to my ",[13,1200,1201],{},"mummified, dead sibling, who apparently pulls more women than I do.",[55,1203,1205],{"id":1204},"lisa-22",[13,1206,74],{},[10,1208,1209],{},"(Softly) You’re just jealous.",[55,1211,1213],{"id":1212},"paul-40",[13,1214,83],{},[10,1216,1217],{},"(Jaw drops) JEALOUS?!",[55,1219,1221],{"id":1220},"mom-4",[13,1222,882],{},[10,1224,1225],{},"Sweetie, if you just let yourself be happy for them—",[55,1227,1229],{"id":1228},"paul-41",[13,1230,83],{},[10,1232,1233],{},"(Snapping) NO! I REFUSE!",[52,1235],{},[55,1237,1239],{"id":1238},"grandma-edna-perks-up-again",[13,1240,1241],{},"Grandma Edna Perks Up Again",[55,1243,1245],{"id":1244},"grandma-edna-1",[13,1246,1018],{},[10,1248,1249],{},"So wait, which twin is dead?",[55,1251,1253],{"id":1252},"paul-42",[13,1254,83],{},[10,1256,1257],{},"(Staring at her) GRANDMA. I AM ALIVE.",[55,1259,1261],{"id":1260},"grandma-edna-2",[13,1262,1018],{},[10,1264,1265],{},"(Leaning in) …Are you sure?",[55,1267,1269],{"id":1268},"paul-43",[13,1270,83],{},[10,1272,1273,1274],{},"(Emotionally crumbling) ",[64,1275,1276],{},"NO, GRANDMA. I’M NOT SURE OF ANYTHING ANYMORE.",[52,1278],{},[55,1280,1282],{"id":1281},"dad-tries-to-mediate",[13,1283,1284],{},"Dad Tries to Mediate",[55,1286,1288],{"id":1287},"dad-1",[13,1289,970],{},[10,1291,1292,1293,1295,1296],{},"Paul, listen. Relationships are built on ",[64,1294,242],{}," And Tony and Lisa ",[64,1297,1298],{},"have that connection.",[55,1300,1302],{"id":1301},"paul-44",[13,1303,83],{},[10,1305,1306,1309,1310,1313],{},[64,1307,1308],{},"What connection?"," HE HAS BEEN ",[13,1311,1312],{},"DEAD"," SINCE OBAMA’S FIRST TERM.",[55,1315,1317],{"id":1316},"claire-1",[13,1318,1126],{},[10,1320,1321],{},"Well, some relationships are just deeper than the physical.",[55,1323,1325],{"id":1324},"paul-45",[13,1326,83],{},[10,1328,1329,1330,1333,1334,1337],{},"I AM ",[13,1331,1332],{},"LOOKING AT HIS ROTTING BODY"," RIGHT NOW. THERE ",[13,1335,1336],{},"IS"," NO PHYSICAL.",[52,1339],{},[55,1341,1343],{"id":1342},"the-turkey-collapses-under-its-own-weight",[13,1344,1345],{},"The Turkey Collapses Under Its Own Weight",[10,1347,1348],{},[64,1349,1350],{},"(An unsettling parallel to Paul’s mental state.)",[55,1352,1354],{"id":1353},"uncle-mike-1",[13,1355,1101],{},[10,1357,1358],{},"(Looking at turkey) Well, this just got symbolic.",[55,1360,1362],{"id":1361},"paul-46",[13,1363,83],{},[10,1365,1366,1367],{},"(Screaming into his hands) ",[64,1368,1369],{},"MAKE IT STOP. PLEASE, SOMEONE, MAKE IT STOP.",[52,1371],{},[55,1373,1375],{"id":1374},"final-straw",[13,1376,1377],{},"Final Straw",[55,1379,1381],{"id":1380},"mom-5",[13,1382,882],{},[10,1384,1385],{},"Paul, all we’re saying is that you should be happy for your brother.",[55,1387,1389],{"id":1388},"paul-47",[13,1390,83],{},[10,1392,1393],{},"(Quietly) …Mom.",[55,1395,1397],{"id":1396},"mom-6",[13,1398,882],{},[10,1400,1401],{},"Yes, dear?",[55,1403,1405],{"id":1404},"paul-48",[13,1406,83],{},[10,1408,1409,1410],{},"(Voice trembling) ",[64,1411,1412],{},"I just watched Lisa try to put a Christmas cracker in Tony’s dead, leathery hand… and then PULL IT FOR HIM.",[10,1414,1415],{},[64,1416,1417],{},"(The room falls silent. Lisa is looking at the table, embarrassed.)",[55,1419,1421],{"id":1420},"paul-49",[13,1422,83],{},[10,1424,1425,1426,1428],{},"You know what? Fine. ",[64,1427,726],{}," If this is my life, so be it.",[10,1430,1431],{},[64,1432,1433,1434,1437],{},"(Paul stands up, grabs the bottle of wine, and ",[13,1435,1436],{},"walks directly out of the house into the cold winter night",".)",[55,1439,1441],{"id":1440},"claire-2",[13,1442,1126],{},[10,1444,1445],{},"(Dryly) …I think he took that well.",[55,1447,1449],{"id":1448},"lisa-23",[13,1450,74],{},[10,1452,1453],{},"(Sniffling) I hope he comes around.",[55,1455,1457],{"id":1456},"mom-7",[13,1458,882],{},[10,1460,1461],{},"Oh, he will. He’s just being a Grinch.",[10,1463,1464],{},[64,1465,1466],{},"(A long pause as everyone continues eating.)",[55,1468,1470],{"id":1469},"uncle-mike-2",[13,1471,1101],{},[10,1473,1474],{},"(Squinting at Tony) …So do you guys, like, kiss or what?",[10,1476,1477],{},[13,1478,1479],{},"FADE TO BLACK.",[52,1481],{},[55,1483,1485],{"id":1484},"the-end",[13,1486,1487],{},"THE END.",[55,1489,1491],{"id":1490},"till-death-do-us-part-again",[13,1492,1493],{},"\"Till Death Do Us Part… Again\"",[10,1495,1496],{},[64,1497,1498],{},"(The grand finale of the most unhinged, darkly absurd, Monty Python-esque saga yet. Paul reaches his breaking point at his dead twin’s wedding, gets falsely accused of kidnapping a corpse, and, in a final act of karmic vengeance, leaves Lisa happily honeymooning in Ibiza with a conjoined mummy.)",[52,1500],{},[55,1502,1504],{"id":1503},"scene-1-the-wedding-ceremony",[13,1505,1506],{},"Scene 1: The Wedding Ceremony",[10,1508,1509],{},[64,1510,1511,1512,1515],{},"A beautiful church. Guests are gathered in their finest attire. At the altar, Lisa stands in a stunning white dress, holding a bouquet. Next to her, standing tall but very much dead, is Tony, dressed in an expensive tuxedo. He is ",[13,1513,1514],{},"propped up on a reinforced wedding stand"," to keep him upright.",[10,1517,1518],{},[64,1519,1520,1521,1524],{},"Paul sits in the front row, gripping the sides of the pew so hard his knuckles are white. He is ",[13,1522,1523],{},"doing everything in his power"," to shut up and get through this nightmare.",[52,1526],{},[55,1528,1530],{"id":1529},"minister",[13,1531,1532],{},"Minister:",[10,1534,1535],{},[64,1536,1537],{},"“…If there is any reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”",[10,1539,1540],{},[64,1541,1542],{},"A thick silence fills the room. Paul stares straight ahead, biting his lip so hard he might draw blood.",[10,1544,1545],{},[64,1546,1547,1548,1551],{},"A bead of sweat runs down his temple. His fingers twitch. He is vibrating with rage. The minister ",[13,1549,1550],{},"waits just a second too long."," Paul finally snaps.",[52,1553],{},[55,1555,1557],{"id":1556},"paul-exploding-out-of-his-seat",[13,1558,1559],{},"Paul (Exploding Out of His Seat):",[10,1561,1562,1563],{},"THAT’S IT. THAT’S ",[13,1564,1565],{},"FUCKING IT.",[52,1567],{},[55,1569,1571],{"id":1570},"scene-2-pauls-absolute-meltdown",[13,1572,1573],{},"Scene 2: Paul’s Absolute Meltdown",[55,1575,1577],{"id":1576},"paul-50",[13,1578,83],{},[10,1580,1581],{},[64,1582,1583,1584,231],{},"“I HAVE PUT UP WITH A LOT OF SHIT OVER THE LAST YEAR. I SAT THROUGH DINNERS, VACATIONS, BIRTHDAYS, ALL WITH MY DEAD, MUMMIFIED BROTHER PLAYING HOUSE WITH MY EX. I LISTENED TO PEOPLE—MY OWN FAMILY—TELL ME I SHOULD BE ‘HAPPY FOR HIM.’ I LET YOU PEOPLE GASLIGHT ME INTO ACCEPTING THE ",[13,1585,1586],{},"MOST BATSHIT INSANE SITUATION IN HISTORY.",[10,1588,1589],{},[64,1590,1591],{},"Guests gasp. Paul kicks over a chair.",[52,1593],{},[55,1595,1597],{"id":1596},"paul-continued-voice-cracking",[13,1598,1599],{},"Paul (Continued, Voice Cracking):",[10,1601,1602],{},[64,1603,1604,1605,1608,1609,1612,1613,1616],{},"“BUT I DRAW THE LINE AT A FUCKING WEDDING. HE IS DEAD. DEAD. ",[13,1606,1607],{},"D-E-A-D."," DEAD SINCE 2013. ",[13,1610,1611],{},"HE SHOULD NOT BE WEARING A TUXEDO."," HE SHOULD NOT BE STANDING AT THE ALTAR LIKE SOME SORT OF ",[13,1614,1615],{},"HORROR MOVIE PROP."," I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I CAN’T BE HERE. I’M DONE. I’M FUCKING DONE.”",[10,1618,1619],{},[64,1620,1621],{},"He turns to Lisa, his eyes bloodshot, his voice breaking with desperation.",[52,1623],{},[55,1625,1627],{"id":1626},"paul-51",[13,1628,83],{},[10,1630,1631],{},[64,1632,1633,1634,1637],{},"“LISA. YOU ARE MARRYING A ",[13,1635,1636],{},"CORPSE."," DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW PSYCHOTIC THAT IS?”",[55,1639,1641],{"id":1640},"lisa-tearing-up",[13,1642,1643],{},"Lisa (Tearing Up):",[10,1645,1646],{},[64,1647,1648],{},"“Why are you being so cruel on our special day?”",[55,1650,1652],{"id":1651},"paul-52",[13,1653,83],{},[10,1655,1656],{},[64,1657,1658,1659,1662,1663,231],{},"“BECAUSE IT ",[13,1660,1661],{},"SHOULDN’T BE A SPECIAL DAY!"," IT SHOULD BE A DAY WHERE YOU ARE ",[13,1664,1665],{},"IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL.",[55,1667,1669],{"id":1668},"claire-sister-scoffing",[13,1670,1671],{},"Claire (Sister, Scoffing):",[10,1673,1674],{},[64,1675,1676],{},"“Ugh. You always have to make things about yourself.”",[55,1678,1680],{"id":1679},"mom-disappointed-shaking-head",[13,1681,1682],{},"Mom (Disappointed, Shaking Head):",[10,1684,1685],{},[64,1686,1687],{},"“You just can’t let Tony have one moment, can you?”",[52,1689],{},[55,1691,1693],{"id":1692},"scene-3-pauls-escape",[13,1694,1695],{},"Scene 3: Paul’s Escape",[10,1697,1698],{},[64,1699,1700,1701,1704,1705],{},"Paul stares at them. Stares at the congregation. Stares at Tony’s ",[13,1702,1703],{},"dead, taxidermied, wedding-dressed husk."," Something inside him breaks. He turns, ",[13,1706,1707],{},"marches to the altar, GRABS Tony by the shoulders, and DRAGS HIM DOWN THE AISLE.",[10,1709,1710],{},[64,1711,1712],{},"The church ERUPTS into gasps and outrage.",[55,1714,1716],{"id":1715},"lisa-screaming",[13,1717,1718],{},"Lisa (Screaming):",[10,1720,1721],{},[64,1722,1723],{},"“PAUL, YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!”",[55,1725,1727],{"id":1726},"paul-marching-out-huffing",[13,1728,1729],{},"Paul (Marching Out, Huffing):",[10,1731,1732],{},[64,1733,1734,1735,231],{},"“NOPE. I’M TAKING MY BROTHER FOR A ",[13,1736,1737],{},"NICE, LONG DRIVE.",[10,1739,1740],{},[64,1741,1742,1743,1746],{},"Lisa chases after him, sobbing. The guests are ",[13,1744,1745],{},"screaming in outrage."," Paul reaches his car, throws Tony into the passenger seat like an old suitcase, and speeds off.",[52,1748],{},[55,1750,1752],{"id":1751},"scene-4-the-cop-pulls-paul-over",[13,1753,1754],{},"Scene 4: The Cop Pulls Paul Over",[10,1756,1757],{},[64,1758,1759],{},"Ten minutes later, Paul’s white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel relaxes. He exhales, relieved to finally be away from the madness…",[10,1761,1762],{},[64,1763,1764,1765,1768],{},"Then the ",[13,1766,1767],{},"sirens"," start. A police car flashes its lights behind him.",[52,1770],{},[55,1772,1774],{"id":1773},"cop-walking-up-to-pauls-window",[13,1775,1776],{},"Cop (Walking Up to Paul’s Window):",[10,1778,1779],{},[64,1780,1781],{},"“Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”",[55,1783,1785],{"id":1784},"paul-sighs-running-a-hand-over-his-face",[13,1786,1787],{},"Paul (Sighs, Running a Hand Over His Face):",[10,1789,1790],{},[64,1791,1792,1793,1795,1796,1799],{},"“Oh, I don’t know, Officer. Was it because of my speeding? Because I’m guilty of that. Was it because I ran a stop sign? Maybe. Or—OR—was it because my ",[13,1794,34],{}," twin brother is strapped into my passenger seat wearing a tuxedo like some ",[13,1797,1798],{},"hellish ventriloquist dummy","?”",[55,1801,1803],{"id":1802},"cop-ignores-that-looks-at-his-notes",[13,1804,1805],{},"Cop (Ignores That, Looks At His Notes):",[10,1807,1808],{},[64,1809,1810],{},"“Sir, we have a report that you abducted a man from his own wedding.”",[55,1812,1814],{"id":1813},"paul-glaring-flatly",[13,1815,1816],{},"Paul (Glaring, Flatly):",[10,1818,1819],{},[64,1820,1821],{},"“Oh for fuck’s sake.”",[55,1823,1825],{"id":1824},"cop",[13,1826,1827],{},"Cop:",[10,1829,1830],{},[64,1831,1832],{},"“Sir, you can’t just whisk a man away during his wedding. I need you to return Tony immediately.”",[55,1834,1836],{"id":1835},"paul-53",[13,1837,83],{},[10,1839,1840],{},"(Seething)",[10,1842,1843],{},[64,1844,1845,1846,1849],{},"\"Officer. Tony is ",[13,1847,1848],{},"DEAD.","\"",[55,1851,1853],{"id":1852},"cop-1",[13,1854,1827],{},[10,1856,1857],{},"(Hands on hips, unimpressed)",[10,1859,1860],{},[64,1861,1862],{},"\"Sir, the fact that you’re speaking for him really makes me question that.”",[55,1864,1866],{"id":1865},"paul-absolutely-losing-it",[13,1867,1868],{},"Paul (Absolutely Losing It):",[10,1870,1871],{},[64,1872,1873],{},"“OH REALLY? YOU QUESTION THAT? HOW ABOUT YOU GO SHAKE HIS HAND AND SEE IF HE BLINKS?”",[55,1875,1877],{"id":1876},"cop-2",[13,1878,1827],{},[10,1880,1881],{},[64,1882,1883],{},"\"Sir, stop being difficult. Return him to his bride.\"",[55,1885,1887],{"id":1886},"paul-54",[13,1888,83],{},[10,1890,1891],{},[64,1892,1893],{},"\"Oh, I’ll return him, alright. In a fucking URN.\"",[52,1895],{},[55,1897,1899],{"id":1898},"scene-5-tonys-dramatic-death",[13,1900,1901],{},"Scene 5: Tony’s Dramatic Death",[10,1903,1904],{},[64,1905,1906,1907,1910,1911,1914],{},"Paul is ",[13,1908,1909],{},"so frustrated, so enraged",", his ",[13,1912,1913],{},"heart starts racing."," His face turns red. His pulse pounds. His chest tightens.",[10,1916,1917],{},[64,1918,1919,1920],{},"And then—",[13,1921,1922],{},"he collapses against the steering wheel.",[52,1924],{},[55,1926,1928],{"id":1927},"cop-knocking-on-the-window",[13,1929,1930],{},"Cop (Knocking on the Window):",[10,1932,1933],{},[64,1934,1935],{},"\"Sir? Sir, are you okay?\"",[10,1937,1938],{},[64,1939,1940,1941,1944,1945],{},"Paul doesn’t answer. Because Paul is ",[13,1942,1943],{},"dead."," He has died of a ",[13,1946,1947],{},"rage-induced heart attack.",[10,1949,1950],{},[64,1951,1952,1953,1955,1956,1959],{},"(A long, dramatic silence. The officer blinks. Slowly, he realizes the absurdity of what has just happened. Paul, the ",[13,1954,798],{}," twin, is dead… while Tony, the ",[13,1957,1958],{},"dead"," twin, remains perfectly intact.)",[55,1961,1963],{"id":1962},"cop-muttering",[13,1964,1965],{},"Cop (Muttering):",[10,1967,1968],{},[64,1969,1970],{},"\"Well, that’s fucking ironic.\"",[52,1972],{},[55,1974,1976],{"id":1975},"scene-6-lisas-honeymoon",[13,1977,1978],{},"Scene 6: Lisa’s Honeymoon",[10,1980,1981],{},[64,1982,1983],{},"Smash cut to Ibiza. The sun sets over the beach. Lisa lounges in a beach chair, drinking champagne. Beside her, in his own beach chair, sits Tony—completely lifeless, wrapped in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses.",[55,1985,1987],{"id":1986},"lisa-sighing-happily",[13,1988,1989],{},"Lisa (Sighing Happily):",[10,1991,1992],{},[64,1993,1994],{},"\"I’m so glad everything worked out.\"",[10,1996,1997],{},[64,1998,1999],{},"A waiter approaches.",[55,2001,2003],{"id":2002},"waiter-hesitant-nervous-glance-at-tony",[13,2004,2005],{},"Waiter (Hesitant, Nervous Glance at Tony):",[10,2007,2008],{},[64,2009,2010],{},"\"Would your, uh… would your husband like anything to drink?\"",[55,2012,2014],{"id":2013},"lisa-giggling",[13,2015,2016],{},"Lisa (Giggling):",[10,2018,2019],{},[64,2020,2021],{},"\"Oh, Tony’s easy. Just a splash of formaldehyde in his mojito!\"",[10,2023,2024],{},[64,2025,2026,2027],{},"The waiter stares at her in ",[13,2028,2029],{},"pure existential horror.",[52,2031],{},[55,2033,2035],{"id":2034},"fade-to-black",[13,2036,1479],{},[17,2038,2039,2044,2049,2054],{},[20,2040,2041],{},[13,2042,2043],{},"Paul is dead.",[20,2045,2046],{},[13,2047,2048],{},"Lisa is happy.",[20,2050,2051],{},[13,2052,2053],{},"Tony is still a corpse.",[20,2055,2056],{},[13,2057,2058],{},"The world keeps 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