[{"data":1,"prerenderedAt":2734},["ShallowReactive",2],{"content:stories":3,"content:news":2378,"content:musings":2712},[4,2224,2305],{"title":5,"date":6,"tags":7,"image":9,"path":10,"body":11},"It's Always Tony","2025-08-08T21:33:00.000Z",[8],"story","/img/articles/a95c0174-3a5c-450a-93c3-acfd4c64c879.png","/stories/its-always-tony",{"type":12,"value":13,"toc":2069},"minimark",[14,21,56,59,66,72,74,80,83,89,92,97,100,105,108,113,116,121,139,144,150,153,155,160,166,171,178,183,204,209,212,217,227,237,242,248,253,267,269,275,281,284,289,292,297,300,305,308,315,320,325,328,333,343,357,362,365,370,373,378,381,386,392,397,403,408,414,416,422,427,429,434,441,446,449,454,457,460,474,479,486,491,494,496,502,511,513,518,521,523,528,531,536,539,545,548,553,556,561,567,572,575,580,586,588,594,599,602,607,610,615,621,623,629,657,659,665,670,675,678,681,686,691,693,698,703,705,710,715,718,723,726,740,742,747,750,753,758,761,764,766,772,778,786,788,794,867,869,875,880,882,888,899,904,914,919,922,927,936,950,956,959,964,970,976,979,984,987,992,999,1004,1010,1012,1018,1024,1027,1032,1039,1044,1051,1056,1062,1067,1070,1075,1093,1095,1101,1107,1110,1115,1118,1123,1126,1132,1138,1143,1150,1155,1158,1163,1170,1176,1178,1184,1189,1192,1197,1207,1212,1215,1220,1223,1228,1231,1236,1239,1241,1247,1252,1255,1260,1263,1268,1271,1276,1282,1284,1290,1295,1304,1309,1319,1324,1327,1332,1343,1345,1351,1356,1361,1364,1369,1375,1377,1383,1388,1391,1396,1399,1404,1407,1412,1418,1423,1428,1434,1443,1448,1451,1456,1459,1464,1467,1472,1477,1480,1485,1487,1493,1499,1504,1506,1512,1521,1530,1532,1538,1543,1548,1557,1559,1565,1571,1573,1579,1584,1592,1597,1599,1605,1622,1627,1629,1634,1643,1649,1654,1659,1671,1677,1682,1688,1693,1695,1701,1713,1718,1724,1729,1735,1743,1752,1754,1760,1765,1774,1776,1782,1787,1793,1805,1811,1816,1822,1827,1833,1838,1843,1846,1855,1860,1863,1868,1874,1879,1884,1889,1894,1899,1901,1907,1920,1928,1930,1936,1941,1953,1965,1971,1976,1978,1984,1989,1995,2000,2005,2011,2016,2022,2027,2035,2037,2042,2064],[15,16,17],"p",{},[18,19,20],"strong",{},"Characters:",[22,23,24,31,41,50],"ul",{},[25,26,27,30],"li",{},[18,28,29],{},"Paul"," (Twin B) – Our protagonist, the living twin.",[25,32,33,36,37,40],{},[18,34,35],{},"Tony"," (Twin A) – Paul’s ",[18,38,39],{},"mummified"," conjoined twin, completely unresponsive, dead for 10 years.",[25,42,43,46,47],{},[18,44,45],{},"Lisa"," – Paul's girlfriend, who just broke up with him for ",[18,48,49],{},"Tony.",[25,51,52,55],{},[18,53,54],{},"Waiter"," – A poor, unfortunate soul witnessing the conversation.",[57,58],"hr",{},[60,61,63],"h3",{"id":62},"scene-a-fancy-restaurant",[18,64,65],{},"Scene: A Fancy Restaurant.",[15,67,68],{},[69,70,71],"em",{},"Paul and Lisa sit across from each other at a candlelit table. Paul is already on edge because Lisa has been acting strange all night. Tony is, of course, slumped against Paul’s side, wrapped in a tasteful dinner jacket. The waiter discreetly keeps his distance.",[57,73],{},[60,75,77],{"id":76},"lisa",[18,78,79],{},"Lisa:",[15,81,82],{},"Paul, I… I need to tell you something. I think… we need to break up.",[60,84,86],{"id":85},"paul",[18,87,88],{},"Paul:",[15,90,91],{},"(Taken aback) What? Why? Lisa, we’ve been together four months! I thought we were happy!",[60,93,95],{"id":94},"lisa-1",[18,96,79],{},[15,98,99],{},"It’s… complicated.",[60,101,103],{"id":102},"paul-1",[18,104,88],{},[15,106,107],{},"(Holding back panic) Is it Tony?",[60,109,111],{"id":110},"lisa-2",[18,112,79],{},[15,114,115],{},"(Pauses) …Yes and no.",[60,117,119],{"id":118},"paul-2",[18,120,88],{},[15,122,123,124,127,128,131,132,135,136],{},"(Squints) What do you mean ",[69,125,126],{},"yes and no","? Of course it’s Tony. It’s ",[69,129,130],{},"always"," Tony. He’s a ",[69,133,134],{},"mummified corpse"," attached to my body. Every problem in my life is ",[18,137,138],{},"because of Tony.",[60,140,142],{"id":141},"lisa-3",[18,143,79],{},[15,145,146,147],{},"(Blurts out) ",[69,148,149],{},"Tony and I are in love!",[15,151,152],{},"(A long, terrible silence. The background chatter of the restaurant dies instantly. A waiter carrying a tray of drinks stops in his tracks, eyes wide.)",[57,154],{},[60,156,158],{"id":157},"paul-3",[18,159,88],{},[15,161,162,163],{},"(Pure, unfiltered deadpan horror) …I’m sorry. You’re ",[69,164,165],{},"what?",[60,167,169],{"id":168},"lisa-4",[18,170,79],{},[15,172,173,174,177],{},"Paul, I never meant for this to happen! But Tony ",[69,175,176],{},"understands"," me!",[60,179,181],{"id":180},"paul-4",[18,182,88],{},[15,184,185,186,189,190,192,193,192,196,199,200,203],{},"(Still frozen) …Understands you. ",[69,187,188],{},"Understands you."," The ",[18,191,39],{},", ",[18,194,195],{},"brain-dead",[18,197,198],{},"leathery husk"," of my ",[18,201,202],{},"dead conjoined twin"," understands you?",[60,205,207],{"id":206},"lisa-5",[18,208,79],{},[15,210,211],{},"(Desperate) I know it sounds crazy—",[60,213,215],{"id":214},"paul-5",[18,216,88],{},[15,218,219,220,223,224],{},"(Interrupting, robotic) ",[18,221,222],{},"Does it, Lisa?"," ",[18,225,226],{},"Does it sound crazy?",[15,228,229,230],{},"Or is it perfectly normal to wake up one day and say, ",[69,231,232,233,236],{},"“You know who really gets me? A corpse. A ",[18,234,235],{},"literal, dead, rotting corpse.","”",[60,238,240],{"id":239},"lisa-6",[18,241,79],{},[15,243,244,245],{},"(Frantic) It’s not like that! It started small—just little things. I’d talk to Tony when you were in the shower. At first, I thought I was just being silly, but then… I realized we had a ",[69,246,247],{},"connection.",[60,249,251],{"id":250},"paul-6",[18,252,88],{},[15,254,255,256,259,260,263,264],{},"A connection. You had a ",[18,257,258],{},"connection",". Lisa, ",[69,261,262],{},"he is physically attached to me."," That is ",[18,265,266],{},"literally the only connection he has.",[57,268],{},[60,270,272],{"id":271},"the-waiter-tentatively-approaches",[18,273,274],{},"The Waiter Tentatively Approaches.",[60,276,278],{"id":277},"waiter",[18,279,280],{},"Waiter:",[15,282,283],{},"…Would sir like another drink?",[60,285,287],{"id":286},"paul-7",[18,288,88],{},[15,290,291],{},"(Dead-eyed) Oh, I think sir will need several.",[60,293,295],{"id":294},"lisa-7",[18,296,79],{},[15,298,299],{},"Paul, please don’t be mad. I never wanted to hurt you.",[60,301,303],{"id":302},"paul-8",[18,304,88],{},[15,306,307],{},"(Abruptly snaps into \"customer service\" politeness) Oh no, Lisa, I’m not mad.",[15,309,310,311,314],{},"No, not at all! Why would I be mad? I’m just ",[18,312,313],{},"fascinated."," Please, tell me—",[15,316,317],{},[18,318,319],{},"How, exactly, do you have a romantic relationship with a dried-up corpse attached to my torso?",[60,321,323],{"id":322},"lisa-8",[18,324,79],{},[15,326,327],{},"(Panicking) It’s not like that!",[60,329,331],{"id":330},"paul-9",[18,332,88],{},[15,334,335,336,339,340],{},"(Deadpan) OH REALLY? Because there are ",[69,337,338],{},"only"," two ways this could have gone. ",[18,341,342],{},"Either:",[344,345,346,352],"ol",{},[25,347,348,351],{},[18,349,350],{},"You are having a one-sided emotional affair with a decomposing mummy,"," or",[25,353,354],{},[18,355,356],{},"I have unknowingly been involved in the most horrifying threesome of all time.",[60,358,360],{"id":359},"lisa-9",[18,361,79],{},[15,363,364],{},"(Guilty silence)",[60,366,368],{"id":367},"paul-10",[18,369,88],{},[15,371,372],{},"(Voice trembling) …Lisa.",[60,374,376],{"id":375},"lisa-10",[18,377,79],{},[15,379,380],{},"(Pulling at napkin) I—",[60,382,384],{"id":383},"paul-11",[18,385,88],{},[15,387,388,389],{},"(Louder) ",[69,390,391],{},"LISA.",[60,393,395],{"id":394},"lisa-11",[18,396,79],{},[15,398,399,400],{},"(Crumbling) ",[69,401,402],{},"It meant nothing!",[60,404,406],{"id":405},"paul-12",[18,407,88],{},[15,409,410,411],{},"(Buries face in hands) ",[69,412,413],{},"Oh my god.",[57,415],{},[60,417,419],{"id":418},"the-restaurant-has-now-fully-stopped-to-listen",[18,420,421],{},"The Restaurant Has Now Fully Stopped to Listen.",[15,423,424],{},[69,425,426],{},"A woman gasps. An old man clutches his heart. A child begins crying.",[57,428],{},[60,430,432],{"id":431},"paul-13",[18,433,88],{},[15,435,436,437,440],{},"(Hands still over face) Lisa. Just. Just ",[69,438,439],{},"one"," question.",[60,442,444],{"id":443},"lisa-12",[18,445,79],{},[15,447,448],{},"(Nervous) …Okay?",[60,450,452],{"id":451},"paul-14",[18,453,88],{},[15,455,456],{},"How—",[15,458,459],{},"(Deep breath)",[15,461,462,463,466,467,470,471],{},"How exactly did you get ",[18,464,465],{},"romantically involved"," with a ",[18,468,469],{},"man"," who has not spoken, moved, or exhibited any signs of life in a ",[18,472,473],{},"decade?",[60,475,477],{"id":476},"lisa-13",[18,478,79],{},[15,480,481,482,485],{},"(Looking away) He… he ",[69,483,484],{},"listens"," better than you do.",[60,487,489],{"id":488},"paul-15",[18,490,88],{},[15,492,493],{},"(Slow blink)",[57,495],{},[60,497,499],{"id":498},"paul-slowly-turns-to-look-at-tony",[18,500,501],{},"Paul Slowly Turns to Look at Tony.",[15,503,504],{},[69,505,506,507,510],{},"Tony, of course, does absolutely nothing because he is ",[18,508,509],{},"a corpse"," attached to Paul’s body.",[57,512],{},[60,514,516],{"id":515},"paul-16",[18,517,88],{},[15,519,520],{},"(Squinting at his own dead twin)",[15,522,413],{},[60,524,526],{"id":525},"lisa-14",[18,527,79],{},[15,529,530],{},"(Softly) What?",[60,532,534],{"id":533},"paul-17",[18,535,88],{},[15,537,538],{},"You’re serious.",[15,540,541,542],{},"You are ",[18,543,544],{},"actually serious.",[15,546,547],{},"You think he’s your boyfriend?",[60,549,551],{"id":550},"lisa-15",[18,552,79],{},[15,554,555],{},"I… I don’t expect you to understand.",[60,557,559],{"id":558},"paul-18",[18,560,88],{},[15,562,563,564],{},"(Voice cracking) Lisa, he ",[18,565,566],{},"doesn’t even have EYES.",[60,568,570],{"id":569},"lisa-16",[18,571,79],{},[15,573,574],{},"(Wistful) I look into his soul.",[60,576,578],{"id":577},"paul-19",[18,579,88],{},[15,581,582,583],{},"(Horrified whisper) You look into his ",[69,584,585],{},"eye sockets.",[57,587],{},[60,589,591],{"id":590},"the-waiter-steps-back-in",[18,592,593],{},"The Waiter Steps Back in.",[60,595,597],{"id":596},"waiter-1",[18,598,280],{},[15,600,601],{},"…Would madam like another drink?",[60,603,605],{"id":604},"lisa-17",[18,606,79],{},[15,608,609],{},"Yes. A chardonnay, please.",[60,611,613],{"id":612},"paul-20",[18,614,88],{},[15,616,617,618],{},"(Dead-eyed) And for me, the strongest alcohol you have. And a ",[18,619,620],{},"priest.",[57,622],{},[60,624,626],{"id":625},"the-restaurant-explodes-into-chaos",[18,627,628],{},"The Restaurant Explodes Into Chaos",[22,630,631,636,641,646,651],{},[25,632,633],{},[18,634,635],{},"Lisa runs out crying.",[25,637,638],{},[18,639,640],{},"Paul screams into his napkin.",[25,642,643],{},[18,644,645],{},"An old woman faints.",[25,647,648],{},[18,649,650],{},"The waiter quietly quits his job.",[25,652,653,654],{},"*Tony does absolutely nothing because he is a ",[18,655,656],{},"corpse.",[57,658],{},[60,660,662],{"id":661},"final-scene",[18,663,664],{},"Final Scene:",[15,666,667],{},[69,668,669],{},"Paul stares at Tony. A long silence.",[60,671,673],{"id":672},"paul-21",[18,674,88],{},[15,676,677],{},"(Slowly) You son of a bitch.",[15,679,680],{},"(Tony does nothing.)",[60,682,684],{"id":683},"paul-22",[18,685,88],{},[15,687,388,688],{},[69,689,690],{},"YOU TOOK MY GIRLFRIEND.",[15,692,680],{},[60,694,696],{"id":695},"paul-23",[18,697,88],{},[15,699,700],{},[69,701,702],{},"What is WRONG with you?!",[15,704,680],{},[60,706,708],{"id":707},"paul-24",[18,709,88],{},[15,711,712],{},[69,713,714],{},"…You think you’re better than me?",[15,716,717],{},"(Tony continues to do absolutely nothing.)",[60,719,721],{"id":720},"paul-25",[18,722,88],{},[15,724,725],{},"(Gritting teeth)",[15,727,728,729,732,733,736,737],{},"You know what, fine. ",[18,730,731],{},"Fine."," She’s yours, Tony. ",[69,734,735],{},"Enjoy your relationship."," But you know what? ",[18,738,739],{},"You’ll never be able to hold her hand.",[15,741,680],{},[60,743,745],{"id":744},"paul-26",[18,746,88],{},[15,748,749],{},"(Pauses)",[15,751,752],{},"(Tony continues to do nothing.)",[60,754,756],{"id":755},"paul-27",[18,757,88],{},[15,759,760],{},"…Okay, that was a low blow.",[15,762,763],{},"(Cut to black.)",[57,765],{},[60,767,769],{"id":768},"end-scene",[18,770,771],{},"END SCENE.",[60,773,775],{"id":774},"a-very-awkward-christmas",[18,776,777],{},"\"A Very Awkward Christmas\"",[15,779,780],{},[69,781,782,783,785],{},"(A dark, absurdist, Monty Python-style Christmas dinner comedy skit where Paul is the only sane person in the room—while his family gaslights him into accepting that his ",[18,784,39],{}," twin is dating his ex-girlfriend.)",[57,787],{},[60,789,791],{"id":790},"characters",[18,792,793],{},"Characters",[22,795,796,805,817,828,834,840,849,855,861],{},[25,797,798,800,801,804],{},[18,799,29],{}," – Our protagonist. The ",[69,802,803],{},"living"," twin. Furious that this is happening.",[25,806,807,809,810,812,813,816],{},[18,808,35],{}," – Paul's ",[18,811,39],{}," conjoined twin. (He says nothing, does nothing, and yet has ",[69,814,815],{},"somehow"," stolen Paul’s ex.)",[25,818,819,821,822,825,826],{},[18,820,45],{}," – Paul’s ",[69,823,824],{},"ex-girlfriend",", now proudly dating ",[18,827,49],{},[25,829,830,833],{},[18,831,832],{},"Mom"," – Sweet, wholesome, deeply delusional.",[25,835,836,839],{},[18,837,838],{},"Dad"," – Gruff but supportive. Thinks Paul is \"selfish\" for not letting Tony be happy.",[25,841,842,845,846],{},[18,843,844],{},"Sister (Claire)"," – Annoying, smug, and absolutely ",[69,847,848],{},"Team Tony & Lisa.",[25,850,851,854],{},[18,852,853],{},"Grandma Edna"," – 92 years old, hard of hearing, has no idea what’s going on.",[25,856,857,860],{},[18,858,859],{},"Uncle Mike"," – Drunk, confused, but rolling with it.",[25,862,863,866],{},[18,864,865],{},"The Christmas Turkey"," – The only one suffering more than Paul.",[57,868],{},[60,870,872],{"id":871},"scene-the-family-christmas-dinner",[18,873,874],{},"Scene: The Family Christmas Dinner",[15,876,877],{},[69,878,879],{},"A cozy dining room. A beautifully decorated Christmas tree stands in the corner. The table is covered in delicious holiday food. Paul sits stiffly at one end of the table, gripping a fork like a weapon. Sitting beside him is Tony, his mummified, very dead twin, dressed in a festive sweater. Lisa, glowing with happiness, sits beside Tony, holding his unmoving, leathery hand.",[57,881],{},[60,883,885],{"id":884},"mom",[18,886,887],{},"Mom:",[15,889,890,891,894,895,898],{},"(Excited) Well, isn’t this just ",[69,892,893],{},"wonderful!"," The whole family together! ",[69,896,897],{},"And"," a new romance blossoming.",[60,900,902],{"id":901},"paul-28",[18,903,88],{},[15,905,906,907,910,911],{},"(Deadpan) You mean the romance between ",[18,908,909],{},"my dead, conjoined twin, and my ex-girlfriend?"," Yes, mother. Truly ",[18,912,913],{},"a Christmas miracle.",[60,915,917],{"id":916},"lisa-18",[18,918,79],{},[15,920,921],{},"(Patting Tony’s hand) Paul, I know this is hard for you—",[60,923,925],{"id":924},"paul-29",[18,926,88],{},[15,928,929,930,223,933],{},"(Interrupts) Oh, ",[69,931,932],{},"do you?",[69,934,935],{},"Do you really?",[15,937,938,939,942,943,946,947],{},"Because ",[69,940,941],{},"I"," think the hard part is sitting here watching my ",[18,944,945],{},"mummified brother"," go on a dinner date ",[18,948,949],{},"at the same table as me.",[60,951,953],{"id":952},"claire-sister",[18,954,955],{},"Claire (Sister):",[15,957,958],{},"(Smirking) You’re being dramatic.",[60,960,962],{"id":961},"paul-30",[18,963,88],{},[15,965,966,967],{},"(Absolutely losing it) I’M BEING DRAMATIC? Claire, ",[69,968,969],{},"she is DATING A CORPSE ATTACHED TO ME.",[60,971,973],{"id":972},"dad",[18,974,975],{},"Dad:",[15,977,978],{},"(Putting down his fork) Paul. Don’t be selfish.",[60,980,982],{"id":981},"paul-31",[18,983,88],{},[15,985,986],{},"(Chokes on wine) SELFISH?!",[60,988,990],{"id":989},"mom-1",[18,991,887],{},[15,993,994,995,998],{},"(Softly) It’s been ",[69,996,997],{},"so"," long since Tony had someone special in his life…",[60,1000,1002],{"id":1001},"paul-32",[18,1003,88],{},[15,1005,1006,1007],{},"(Blank stare) HE HAS BEEN DEAD FOR ",[18,1008,1009],{},"TEN YEARS.",[57,1011],{},[60,1013,1015],{"id":1014},"grandma-edna-suddenly-perks-up",[18,1016,1017],{},"Grandma Edna Suddenly Perks Up",[60,1019,1021],{"id":1020},"grandma-edna",[18,1022,1023],{},"Grandma Edna:",[15,1025,1026],{},"(Confused) Who’s dead?",[60,1028,1030],{"id":1029},"paul-33",[18,1031,88],{},[15,1033,1034,1035,1038],{},"(Triumphantly) ",[69,1036,1037],{},"THANK YOU."," Finally, someone with some common sense!",[60,1040,1042],{"id":1041},"mom-2",[18,1043,887],{},[15,1045,1046,1047,1050],{},"(Patting Grandma’s hand) Oh, don’t worry, Edna dear. It’s just Paul being ",[18,1048,1049],{},"bitter"," that his brother is in love.",[60,1052,1054],{"id":1053},"paul-34",[18,1055,88],{},[15,1057,1058,1059],{},"(Increasingly unhinged) \"IN LOVE\"? MOM, HE DOESN’T HAVE A PULSE! HE DOESN’T HAVE FUNCTIONING ORGANS! HE HAS THE ROMANTIC ABILITIES OF A ",[18,1060,1061],{},"DUSTY HANDBAG!",[60,1063,1065],{"id":1064},"lisa-19",[18,1066,79],{},[15,1068,1069],{},"(Shrinking) Paul, you don’t have to be mean about it…",[60,1071,1073],{"id":1072},"paul-35",[18,1074,88],{},[15,1076,1077,1078,1081,1082,223,1085,1088,1089,1092],{},"Mean about ",[69,1079,1080],{},"what",", Lisa?! The fact that you’re ",[18,1083,1084],{},"cuddling a desiccated corpse",[18,1086,1087],{},"AT CHRISTMAS DINNER"," like this is some kind of ",[69,1090,1091],{},"Hallmark romance","?!",[57,1094],{},[60,1096,1098],{"id":1097},"uncle-mike-who-is-very-drunk-chimes-in",[18,1099,1100],{},"Uncle Mike, Who is Very Drunk, Chimes In",[60,1102,1104],{"id":1103},"uncle-mike",[18,1105,1106],{},"Uncle Mike:",[15,1108,1109],{},"(Squinting) …Wait. So, hold on. You’re saying Lisa is… y’know… (makes an obscene gesture) …with the dead guy?",[60,1111,1113],{"id":1112},"lisa-20",[18,1114,79],{},[15,1116,1117],{},"(Shrugging, blushing) It’s not like that.",[60,1119,1121],{"id":1120},"paul-36",[18,1122,88],{},[15,1124,1125],{},"(Horrified) OH GOD PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME IT’S NOT LIKE THAT.",[60,1127,1129],{"id":1128},"claire",[18,1130,1131],{},"Claire:",[15,1133,1134,1135],{},"(Smirking) Paul, you’re so ",[69,1136,1137],{},"closed-minded.",[60,1139,1141],{"id":1140},"paul-37",[18,1142,88],{},[15,1144,1145,1146,1149],{},"Oh. OH. I’M CLOSED-MINDED?! ",[69,1147,1148],{},"I’m closed-minded?!"," I’M SORRY FOR NOT BEING OPEN TO NECROPHILIA AT THE CHRISTMAS TABLE, CLAIRE.",[60,1151,1153],{"id":1152},"mom-3",[18,1154,887],{},[15,1156,1157],{},"Sweetie, there’s no need to be crude.",[60,1159,1161],{"id":1160},"paul-38",[18,1162,88],{},[15,1164,1165,1166,1169],{},"Crude? ",[69,1167,1168],{},"Crude?"," You know what’s crude, Mom?",[15,1171,1172,1173],{},"THE FACT THAT WE JUST PRETENDED TO CLINK GLASSES TO A ",[18,1174,1175],{},"CORPSE’S HAPPINESS.",[57,1177],{},[60,1179,1181],{"id":1180},"lisa-tries-to-defend-herself",[18,1182,1183],{},"Lisa Tries to Defend Herself",[60,1185,1187],{"id":1186},"lisa-21",[18,1188,79],{},[15,1190,1191],{},"Paul, I know this is weird for you—",[60,1193,1195],{"id":1194},"paul-39",[18,1196,88],{},[15,1198,1199,1200,1203,1204],{},"Oh, do you? DO YOU KNOW? Because let me tell you, Lisa, I feel ",[18,1201,1202],{},"super normal"," sitting here, eating mashed potatoes next to my ",[18,1205,1206],{},"mummified, dead sibling, who apparently pulls more women than I do.",[60,1208,1210],{"id":1209},"lisa-22",[18,1211,79],{},[15,1213,1214],{},"(Softly) You’re just jealous.",[60,1216,1218],{"id":1217},"paul-40",[18,1219,88],{},[15,1221,1222],{},"(Jaw drops) JEALOUS?!",[60,1224,1226],{"id":1225},"mom-4",[18,1227,887],{},[15,1229,1230],{},"Sweetie, if you just let yourself be happy for them—",[60,1232,1234],{"id":1233},"paul-41",[18,1235,88],{},[15,1237,1238],{},"(Snapping) NO! I REFUSE!",[57,1240],{},[60,1242,1244],{"id":1243},"grandma-edna-perks-up-again",[18,1245,1246],{},"Grandma Edna Perks Up Again",[60,1248,1250],{"id":1249},"grandma-edna-1",[18,1251,1023],{},[15,1253,1254],{},"So wait, which twin is dead?",[60,1256,1258],{"id":1257},"paul-42",[18,1259,88],{},[15,1261,1262],{},"(Staring at her) GRANDMA. I AM ALIVE.",[60,1264,1266],{"id":1265},"grandma-edna-2",[18,1267,1023],{},[15,1269,1270],{},"(Leaning in) …Are you sure?",[60,1272,1274],{"id":1273},"paul-43",[18,1275,88],{},[15,1277,1278,1279],{},"(Emotionally crumbling) ",[69,1280,1281],{},"NO, GRANDMA. I’M NOT SURE OF ANYTHING ANYMORE.",[57,1283],{},[60,1285,1287],{"id":1286},"dad-tries-to-mediate",[18,1288,1289],{},"Dad Tries to Mediate",[60,1291,1293],{"id":1292},"dad-1",[18,1294,975],{},[15,1296,1297,1298,1300,1301],{},"Paul, listen. Relationships are built on ",[69,1299,247],{}," And Tony and Lisa ",[69,1302,1303],{},"have that connection.",[60,1305,1307],{"id":1306},"paul-44",[18,1308,88],{},[15,1310,1311,1314,1315,1318],{},[69,1312,1313],{},"What connection?"," HE HAS BEEN ",[18,1316,1317],{},"DEAD"," SINCE OBAMA’S FIRST TERM.",[60,1320,1322],{"id":1321},"claire-1",[18,1323,1131],{},[15,1325,1326],{},"Well, some relationships are just deeper than the physical.",[60,1328,1330],{"id":1329},"paul-45",[18,1331,88],{},[15,1333,1334,1335,1338,1339,1342],{},"I AM ",[18,1336,1337],{},"LOOKING AT HIS ROTTING BODY"," RIGHT NOW. THERE ",[18,1340,1341],{},"IS"," NO PHYSICAL.",[57,1344],{},[60,1346,1348],{"id":1347},"the-turkey-collapses-under-its-own-weight",[18,1349,1350],{},"The Turkey Collapses Under Its Own Weight",[15,1352,1353],{},[69,1354,1355],{},"(An unsettling parallel to Paul’s mental state.)",[60,1357,1359],{"id":1358},"uncle-mike-1",[18,1360,1106],{},[15,1362,1363],{},"(Looking at turkey) Well, this just got symbolic.",[60,1365,1367],{"id":1366},"paul-46",[18,1368,88],{},[15,1370,1371,1372],{},"(Screaming into his hands) ",[69,1373,1374],{},"MAKE IT STOP. PLEASE, SOMEONE, MAKE IT STOP.",[57,1376],{},[60,1378,1380],{"id":1379},"final-straw",[18,1381,1382],{},"Final Straw",[60,1384,1386],{"id":1385},"mom-5",[18,1387,887],{},[15,1389,1390],{},"Paul, all we’re saying is that you should be happy for your brother.",[60,1392,1394],{"id":1393},"paul-47",[18,1395,88],{},[15,1397,1398],{},"(Quietly) …Mom.",[60,1400,1402],{"id":1401},"mom-6",[18,1403,887],{},[15,1405,1406],{},"Yes, dear?",[60,1408,1410],{"id":1409},"paul-48",[18,1411,88],{},[15,1413,1414,1415],{},"(Voice trembling) ",[69,1416,1417],{},"I just watched Lisa try to put a Christmas cracker in Tony’s dead, leathery hand… and then PULL IT FOR HIM.",[15,1419,1420],{},[69,1421,1422],{},"(The room falls silent. Lisa is looking at the table, embarrassed.)",[60,1424,1426],{"id":1425},"paul-49",[18,1427,88],{},[15,1429,1430,1431,1433],{},"You know what? Fine. ",[69,1432,731],{}," If this is my life, so be it.",[15,1435,1436],{},[69,1437,1438,1439,1442],{},"(Paul stands up, grabs the bottle of wine, and ",[18,1440,1441],{},"walks directly out of the house into the cold winter night",".)",[60,1444,1446],{"id":1445},"claire-2",[18,1447,1131],{},[15,1449,1450],{},"(Dryly) …I think he took that well.",[60,1452,1454],{"id":1453},"lisa-23",[18,1455,79],{},[15,1457,1458],{},"(Sniffling) I hope he comes around.",[60,1460,1462],{"id":1461},"mom-7",[18,1463,887],{},[15,1465,1466],{},"Oh, he will. He’s just being a Grinch.",[15,1468,1469],{},[69,1470,1471],{},"(A long pause as everyone continues eating.)",[60,1473,1475],{"id":1474},"uncle-mike-2",[18,1476,1106],{},[15,1478,1479],{},"(Squinting at Tony) …So do you guys, like, kiss or what?",[15,1481,1482],{},[18,1483,1484],{},"FADE TO BLACK.",[57,1486],{},[60,1488,1490],{"id":1489},"the-end",[18,1491,1492],{},"THE END.",[60,1494,1496],{"id":1495},"till-death-do-us-part-again",[18,1497,1498],{},"\"Till Death Do Us Part… Again\"",[15,1500,1501],{},[69,1502,1503],{},"(The grand finale of the most unhinged, darkly absurd, Monty Python-esque saga yet. Paul reaches his breaking point at his dead twin’s wedding, gets falsely accused of kidnapping a corpse, and, in a final act of karmic vengeance, leaves Lisa happily honeymooning in Ibiza with a conjoined mummy.)",[57,1505],{},[60,1507,1509],{"id":1508},"scene-1-the-wedding-ceremony",[18,1510,1511],{},"Scene 1: The Wedding Ceremony",[15,1513,1514],{},[69,1515,1516,1517,1520],{},"A beautiful church. Guests are gathered in their finest attire. At the altar, Lisa stands in a stunning white dress, holding a bouquet. Next to her, standing tall but very much dead, is Tony, dressed in an expensive tuxedo. He is ",[18,1518,1519],{},"propped up on a reinforced wedding stand"," to keep him upright.",[15,1522,1523],{},[69,1524,1525,1526,1529],{},"Paul sits in the front row, gripping the sides of the pew so hard his knuckles are white. He is ",[18,1527,1528],{},"doing everything in his power"," to shut up and get through this nightmare.",[57,1531],{},[60,1533,1535],{"id":1534},"minister",[18,1536,1537],{},"Minister:",[15,1539,1540],{},[69,1541,1542],{},"“…If there is any reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”",[15,1544,1545],{},[69,1546,1547],{},"A thick silence fills the room. Paul stares straight ahead, biting his lip so hard he might draw blood.",[15,1549,1550],{},[69,1551,1552,1553,1556],{},"A bead of sweat runs down his temple. His fingers twitch. He is vibrating with rage. The minister ",[18,1554,1555],{},"waits just a second too long."," Paul finally snaps.",[57,1558],{},[60,1560,1562],{"id":1561},"paul-exploding-out-of-his-seat",[18,1563,1564],{},"Paul (Exploding Out of His Seat):",[15,1566,1567,1568],{},"THAT’S IT. THAT’S ",[18,1569,1570],{},"FUCKING IT.",[57,1572],{},[60,1574,1576],{"id":1575},"scene-2-pauls-absolute-meltdown",[18,1577,1578],{},"Scene 2: Paul’s Absolute Meltdown",[60,1580,1582],{"id":1581},"paul-50",[18,1583,88],{},[15,1585,1586],{},[69,1587,1588,1589,236],{},"“I HAVE PUT UP WITH A LOT OF SHIT OVER THE LAST YEAR. I SAT THROUGH DINNERS, VACATIONS, BIRTHDAYS, ALL WITH MY DEAD, MUMMIFIED BROTHER PLAYING HOUSE WITH MY EX. I LISTENED TO PEOPLE—MY OWN FAMILY—TELL ME I SHOULD BE ‘HAPPY FOR HIM.’ I LET YOU PEOPLE GASLIGHT ME INTO ACCEPTING THE ",[18,1590,1591],{},"MOST BATSHIT INSANE SITUATION IN HISTORY.",[15,1593,1594],{},[69,1595,1596],{},"Guests gasp. Paul kicks over a chair.",[57,1598],{},[60,1600,1602],{"id":1601},"paul-continued-voice-cracking",[18,1603,1604],{},"Paul (Continued, Voice Cracking):",[15,1606,1607],{},[69,1608,1609,1610,1613,1614,1617,1618,1621],{},"“BUT I DRAW THE LINE AT A FUCKING WEDDING. HE IS DEAD. DEAD. ",[18,1611,1612],{},"D-E-A-D."," DEAD SINCE 2013. ",[18,1615,1616],{},"HE SHOULD NOT BE WEARING A TUXEDO."," HE SHOULD NOT BE STANDING AT THE ALTAR LIKE SOME SORT OF ",[18,1619,1620],{},"HORROR MOVIE PROP."," I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I CAN’T BE HERE. I’M DONE. I’M FUCKING DONE.”",[15,1623,1624],{},[69,1625,1626],{},"He turns to Lisa, his eyes bloodshot, his voice breaking with desperation.",[57,1628],{},[60,1630,1632],{"id":1631},"paul-51",[18,1633,88],{},[15,1635,1636],{},[69,1637,1638,1639,1642],{},"“LISA. YOU ARE MARRYING A ",[18,1640,1641],{},"CORPSE."," DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW PSYCHOTIC THAT IS?”",[60,1644,1646],{"id":1645},"lisa-tearing-up",[18,1647,1648],{},"Lisa (Tearing Up):",[15,1650,1651],{},[69,1652,1653],{},"“Why are you being so cruel on our special day?”",[60,1655,1657],{"id":1656},"paul-52",[18,1658,88],{},[15,1660,1661],{},[69,1662,1663,1664,1667,1668,236],{},"“BECAUSE IT ",[18,1665,1666],{},"SHOULDN’T BE A SPECIAL DAY!"," IT SHOULD BE A DAY WHERE YOU ARE ",[18,1669,1670],{},"IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL.",[60,1672,1674],{"id":1673},"claire-sister-scoffing",[18,1675,1676],{},"Claire (Sister, Scoffing):",[15,1678,1679],{},[69,1680,1681],{},"“Ugh. You always have to make things about yourself.”",[60,1683,1685],{"id":1684},"mom-disappointed-shaking-head",[18,1686,1687],{},"Mom (Disappointed, Shaking Head):",[15,1689,1690],{},[69,1691,1692],{},"“You just can’t let Tony have one moment, can you?”",[57,1694],{},[60,1696,1698],{"id":1697},"scene-3-pauls-escape",[18,1699,1700],{},"Scene 3: Paul’s Escape",[15,1702,1703],{},[69,1704,1705,1706,1709,1710],{},"Paul stares at them. Stares at the congregation. Stares at Tony’s ",[18,1707,1708],{},"dead, taxidermied, wedding-dressed husk."," Something inside him breaks. He turns, ",[18,1711,1712],{},"marches to the altar, GRABS Tony by the shoulders, and DRAGS HIM DOWN THE AISLE.",[15,1714,1715],{},[69,1716,1717],{},"The church ERUPTS into gasps and outrage.",[60,1719,1721],{"id":1720},"lisa-screaming",[18,1722,1723],{},"Lisa (Screaming):",[15,1725,1726],{},[69,1727,1728],{},"“PAUL, YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!”",[60,1730,1732],{"id":1731},"paul-marching-out-huffing",[18,1733,1734],{},"Paul (Marching Out, Huffing):",[15,1736,1737],{},[69,1738,1739,1740,236],{},"“NOPE. I’M TAKING MY BROTHER FOR A ",[18,1741,1742],{},"NICE, LONG DRIVE.",[15,1744,1745],{},[69,1746,1747,1748,1751],{},"Lisa chases after him, sobbing. The guests are ",[18,1749,1750],{},"screaming in outrage."," Paul reaches his car, throws Tony into the passenger seat like an old suitcase, and speeds off.",[57,1753],{},[60,1755,1757],{"id":1756},"scene-4-the-cop-pulls-paul-over",[18,1758,1759],{},"Scene 4: The Cop Pulls Paul Over",[15,1761,1762],{},[69,1763,1764],{},"Ten minutes later, Paul’s white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel relaxes. He exhales, relieved to finally be away from the madness…",[15,1766,1767],{},[69,1768,1769,1770,1773],{},"Then the ",[18,1771,1772],{},"sirens"," start. A police car flashes its lights behind him.",[57,1775],{},[60,1777,1779],{"id":1778},"cop-walking-up-to-pauls-window",[18,1780,1781],{},"Cop (Walking Up to Paul’s Window):",[15,1783,1784],{},[69,1785,1786],{},"“Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”",[60,1788,1790],{"id":1789},"paul-sighs-running-a-hand-over-his-face",[18,1791,1792],{},"Paul (Sighs, Running a Hand Over His Face):",[15,1794,1795],{},[69,1796,1797,1798,1800,1801,1804],{},"“Oh, I don’t know, Officer. Was it because of my speeding? Because I’m guilty of that. Was it because I ran a stop sign? Maybe. Or—OR—was it because my ",[18,1799,39],{}," twin brother is strapped into my passenger seat wearing a tuxedo like some ",[18,1802,1803],{},"hellish ventriloquist dummy","?”",[60,1806,1808],{"id":1807},"cop-ignores-that-looks-at-his-notes",[18,1809,1810],{},"Cop (Ignores That, Looks At His Notes):",[15,1812,1813],{},[69,1814,1815],{},"“Sir, we have a report that you abducted a man from his own wedding.”",[60,1817,1819],{"id":1818},"paul-glaring-flatly",[18,1820,1821],{},"Paul (Glaring, Flatly):",[15,1823,1824],{},[69,1825,1826],{},"“Oh for fuck’s sake.”",[60,1828,1830],{"id":1829},"cop",[18,1831,1832],{},"Cop:",[15,1834,1835],{},[69,1836,1837],{},"“Sir, you can’t just whisk a man away during his wedding. I need you to return Tony immediately.”",[60,1839,1841],{"id":1840},"paul-53",[18,1842,88],{},[15,1844,1845],{},"(Seething)",[15,1847,1848],{},[69,1849,1850,1851,1854],{},"\"Officer. Tony is ",[18,1852,1853],{},"DEAD.","\"",[60,1856,1858],{"id":1857},"cop-1",[18,1859,1832],{},[15,1861,1862],{},"(Hands on hips, unimpressed)",[15,1864,1865],{},[69,1866,1867],{},"\"Sir, the fact that you’re speaking for him really makes me question that.”",[60,1869,1871],{"id":1870},"paul-absolutely-losing-it",[18,1872,1873],{},"Paul (Absolutely Losing It):",[15,1875,1876],{},[69,1877,1878],{},"“OH REALLY? YOU QUESTION THAT? HOW ABOUT YOU GO SHAKE HIS HAND AND SEE IF HE BLINKS?”",[60,1880,1882],{"id":1881},"cop-2",[18,1883,1832],{},[15,1885,1886],{},[69,1887,1888],{},"\"Sir, stop being difficult. Return him to his bride.\"",[60,1890,1892],{"id":1891},"paul-54",[18,1893,88],{},[15,1895,1896],{},[69,1897,1898],{},"\"Oh, I’ll return him, alright. In a fucking URN.\"",[57,1900],{},[60,1902,1904],{"id":1903},"scene-5-tonys-dramatic-death",[18,1905,1906],{},"Scene 5: Tony’s Dramatic Death",[15,1908,1909],{},[69,1910,1911,1912,1915,1916,1919],{},"Paul is ",[18,1913,1914],{},"so frustrated, so enraged",", his ",[18,1917,1918],{},"heart starts racing."," His face turns red. His pulse pounds. His chest tightens.",[15,1921,1922],{},[69,1923,1924,1925],{},"And then—",[18,1926,1927],{},"he collapses against the steering wheel.",[57,1929],{},[60,1931,1933],{"id":1932},"cop-knocking-on-the-window",[18,1934,1935],{},"Cop (Knocking on the Window):",[15,1937,1938],{},[69,1939,1940],{},"\"Sir? Sir, are you okay?\"",[15,1942,1943],{},[69,1944,1945,1946,1949,1950],{},"Paul doesn’t answer. Because Paul is ",[18,1947,1948],{},"dead."," He has died of a ",[18,1951,1952],{},"rage-induced heart attack.",[15,1954,1955],{},[69,1956,1957,1958,1960,1961,1964],{},"(A long, dramatic silence. The officer blinks. Slowly, he realizes the absurdity of what has just happened. Paul, the ",[18,1959,803],{}," twin, is dead… while Tony, the ",[18,1962,1963],{},"dead"," twin, remains perfectly intact.)",[60,1966,1968],{"id":1967},"cop-muttering",[18,1969,1970],{},"Cop (Muttering):",[15,1972,1973],{},[69,1974,1975],{},"\"Well, that’s fucking ironic.\"",[57,1977],{},[60,1979,1981],{"id":1980},"scene-6-lisas-honeymoon",[18,1982,1983],{},"Scene 6: Lisa’s Honeymoon",[15,1985,1986],{},[69,1987,1988],{},"Smash cut to Ibiza. The sun sets over the beach. Lisa lounges in a beach chair, drinking champagne. Beside her, in his own beach chair, sits Tony—completely lifeless, wrapped in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses.",[60,1990,1992],{"id":1991},"lisa-sighing-happily",[18,1993,1994],{},"Lisa (Sighing Happily):",[15,1996,1997],{},[69,1998,1999],{},"\"I’m so glad everything worked out.\"",[15,2001,2002],{},[69,2003,2004],{},"A waiter approaches.",[60,2006,2008],{"id":2007},"waiter-hesitant-nervous-glance-at-tony",[18,2009,2010],{},"Waiter (Hesitant, Nervous Glance at Tony):",[15,2012,2013],{},[69,2014,2015],{},"\"Would your, uh… would your husband like anything to drink?\"",[60,2017,2019],{"id":2018},"lisa-giggling",[18,2020,2021],{},"Lisa (Giggling):",[15,2023,2024],{},[69,2025,2026],{},"\"Oh, Tony’s easy. Just a splash of formaldehyde in his mojito!\"",[15,2028,2029],{},[69,2030,2031,2032],{},"The waiter stares at her in ",[18,2033,2034],{},"pure existential horror.",[57,2036],{},[60,2038,2040],{"id":2039},"fade-to-black",[18,2041,1484],{},[22,2043,2044,2049,2054,2059],{},[25,2045,2046],{},[18,2047,2048],{},"Paul is dead.",[25,2050,2051],{},[18,2052,2053],{},"Lisa is happy.",[25,2055,2056],{},[18,2057,2058],{},"Tony is still a corpse.",[25,2060,2061],{},[18,2062,2063],{},"The world keeps turning.",[60,2065,2067],{"id":2066},"the-end-1",[18,2068,1492],{},{"title":2070,"searchDepth":2071,"depth":2071,"links":2072},"",2,[2073,2075,2076,2077,2078,2079,2080,2081,2082,2083,2084,2085,2086,2087,2088,2089,2090,2091,2092,2093,2094,2095,2096,2097,2098,2099,2100,2101,2102,2103,2104,2105,2106,2107,2108,2109,2110,2111,2112,2113,2114,2115,2116,2117,2118,2119,2120,2121,2122,2123,2124,2125,2126,2127,2128,2129,2130,2131,2132,2133,2134,2135,2136,2137,2138,2139,2140,2141,2142,2143,2144,2145,2146,2147,2148,2149,2150,2151,2152,2153,2154,2155,2156,2157,2158,2159,2160,2161,2162,2163,2164,2165,2166,2167,2168,2169,2170,2171,2172,2173,2174,2175,2176,2177,2178,2179,2180,2181,2182,2183,2184,2185,2186,2187,2188,2189,2190,2191,2192,2193,2194,2195,2196,2197,2198,2199,2200,2201,2202,2203,2204,2205,2206,2207,2208,2209,2210,2211,2212,2213,2214,2215,2216,2217,2218,2219,2220,2221,2222,2223],{"id":62,"depth":2074,"text":65},3,{"id":76,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":85,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":94,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":102,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":110,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":118,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":141,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":157,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":168,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":180,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":206,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":214,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":239,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":250,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":271,"depth":2074,"text":274},{"id":277,"depth":2074,"text":280},{"id":286,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":294,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":302,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":322,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":330,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":359,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":367,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":375,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":383,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":394,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":405,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":418,"depth":2074,"text":421},{"id":431,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":443,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":451,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":476,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":488,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":498,"depth":2074,"text":501},{"id":515,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":525,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":533,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":550,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":558,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":569,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":577,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":590,"depth":2074,"text":593},{"id":596,"depth":2074,"text":280},{"id":604,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":612,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":625,"depth":2074,"text":628},{"id":661,"depth":2074,"text":664},{"id":672,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":683,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":695,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":707,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":720,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":744,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":755,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":768,"depth":2074,"text":771},{"id":774,"depth":2074,"text":777},{"id":790,"depth":2074,"text":793},{"id":871,"depth":2074,"text":874},{"id":884,"depth":2074,"text":887},{"id":901,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":916,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":924,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":952,"depth":2074,"text":955},{"id":961,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":972,"depth":2074,"text":975},{"id":981,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":989,"depth":2074,"text":887},{"id":1001,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1014,"depth":2074,"text":1017},{"id":1020,"depth":2074,"text":1023},{"id":1029,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1041,"depth":2074,"text":887},{"id":1053,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1064,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":1072,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1097,"depth":2074,"text":1100},{"id":1103,"depth":2074,"text":1106},{"id":1112,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":1120,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1128,"depth":2074,"text":1131},{"id":1140,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1152,"depth":2074,"text":887},{"id":1160,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1180,"depth":2074,"text":1183},{"id":1186,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":1194,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1209,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":1217,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1225,"depth":2074,"text":887},{"id":1233,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1243,"depth":2074,"text":1246},{"id":1249,"depth":2074,"text":1023},{"id":1257,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1265,"depth":2074,"text":1023},{"id":1273,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1286,"depth":2074,"text":1289},{"id":1292,"depth":2074,"text":975},{"id":1306,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1321,"depth":2074,"text":1131},{"id":1329,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1347,"depth":2074,"text":1350},{"id":1358,"depth":2074,"text":1106},{"id":1366,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1379,"depth":2074,"text":1382},{"id":1385,"depth":2074,"text":887},{"id":1393,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1401,"depth":2074,"text":887},{"id":1409,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1425,"depth":2074,"text":88},{"id":1445,"depth":2074,"text":1131},{"id":1453,"depth":2074,"text":79},{"id":1461,"depth":2074,"text":887},{"id":1474,"depth":2074,"text":1106},{"id":1489,"depth":2074,"text":1492},{"id":1495,"depth":2074,"text":1498},{"id":1508,"depth":2074,"text":1511},{"id":1534,"depth":2074,"text"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Woke Meets Toga","2025-08-08T20:57:00.000Z",[8],"/img/articles/55756c9d-c4d6-42f5-82ca-ae12b6048fce.png","/stories/when-woke-meets-toga",{"type":12,"value":2231,"toc":2303},[2232,2235,2238,2241,2244,2247,2250,2253,2256,2259,2262,2265,2267,2270,2273,2276,2279,2282,2285,2288,2291,2294,2297,2300],[15,2233,2234],{},"The resurrection chamber smelled like ozone and overconfidence.",[15,2236,2237],{},"In the center, surrounded by chrome machinery and humming plasma coils, lay Lucius Aemilius Scipio—dead two thousand years, dressed in a tunic that looked like it had been stolen from the set of a prestige gladiator drama. The Wokeist Science Collective had chosen him carefully: educated, politically accomplished, and, most importantly, a chance to prove that the past, once properly reanimated and enlightened, would naturally embrace the best ideals of the present.",[15,2239,2240],{},"The machine hissed, lights blinked, and Lucius sat up with the poise of a man who expected to be served wine immediately.",[15,2242,2243],{},"At first, the scientists were giddy. He admired their architecture (“ingenious”), their plumbing (“miraculous”), and their medicine (“witchcraft in jars”). He asked thoughtful questions about glass, electricity, and why the city smelled only faintly of human waste.",[15,2245,2246],{},"Then, during a casual lunch in the lab cafeteria, Dr. Emily Greene mentioned automation replacing manual labor.",[15,2248,2249],{},"Lucius nodded thoughtfully. “A fine idea, though slavery is far more efficient. Machines can’t be beaten for poor performance.”",[15,2251,2252],{},"Forks froze halfway to mouths.",[15,2254,2255],{},"Emily tried again. “We abolished slavery centuries ago. Everyone is free and equal now.”",[15,2257,2258],{},"Lucius blinked. “Everyone?”",[15,2260,2261],{},"“Yes.”",[15,2263,2264],{},"“Even the ditch diggers?”",[15,2266,2261],{},[15,2268,2269],{},"He leaned back, studying her like a merchant trying to spot a counterfeit coin. “And you still have functioning roads?”",[15,2271,2272],{},"The silence was broken only by the hiss of the espresso machine.",[15,2274,2275],{},"That evening, over coffee, Dr. Greene raised the topic of women’s rights, hoping for better luck. Lucius listened politely, then laughed until he coughed. “You put women in charge of state affairs? By Jupiter, how many wars have you lost?”",[15,2277,2278],{},"From that point on, the lab became a philosophical wrestling ring. The scientists brought him reading material—everything from Mary Wollstonecraft to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Lucius countered with anecdotes about senators, gladiators, and the folly of trusting anyone who hadn’t personally commanded a legion.",[15,2280,2281],{},"Arguments turned into debates, debates into lectures, lectures into shouting matches where Lucius remained serenely unshaken. “The greatness of Rome,” he told them one night, “was built on hierarchy, discipline, and the understanding that not every voice deserves to be heard.”",[15,2283,2284],{},"Eventually, they stopped arguing.",[15,2286,2287],{},"One morning, Lucius awoke to find himself strolling through the Forum of ancient Rome—marble columns gleaming, vendors hawking figs, the air thick with incense and ambition. Citizens greeted him, slaves hurried past with amphorae. It was perfect.",[15,2289,2290],{},"It was also virtual.",[15,2292,2293],{},"The scientists watched from the control room as he adjusted his toga and disappeared into the crowd, smiling for the first time since he’d been reanimated. Nobody said a word.",[15,2295,2296],{},"Hours later, the lab was quiet again, save for the steady hum of the servers keeping Lucius’ Rome alive.",[15,2298,2299],{},"In the observation log, someone had written: Subject stable. Integration successful.",[15,2301,2302],{},"Nothing else was added.",{"title":2070,"searchDepth":2071,"depth":2071,"links":2304},[],{"title":2306,"date":2307,"tags":2308,"image":2309,"path":2310,"body":2311},"Mein Clonf","2025-08-06T21:37:00.000Z",[8],"/img/articles/42b524b2-d2bd-4acd-9107-7c67add22f4b.png","/stories/mein-clonf",{"type":12,"value":2312,"toc":2376},[2313,2316,2319,2322,2325,2328,2331,2334,2337,2340,2343,2346,2349,2352,2355,2358,2361,2364,2367,2370,2373],[15,2314,2315],{},"In the year 2271, a mom named Emily sat in her plush armchair, nervously twirling a glass of wine in her hand. Her 23-year-old son, Hector, was sprawled on the couch, lazily flipping through a history textbook.",[15,2317,2318],{},"“Hector, dear, we need to have a talk,” she said, her voice trembling slightly. Hector glanced up, mildly annoyed at the interruption.",[15,2320,2321],{},"“What is it, Mom?” he asked, his voice laden with teenage indifference.",[15,2323,2324],{},"Emily took a deep breath. “Well, you see, there’s something very important I need to tell you about your... heritage.”",[15,2326,2327],{},"Hector raised an eyebrow. “Is this about that genealogy test you made me do last summer? Because I really don’t care if we’re 1/64th Lithuanian.”",[15,2329,2330],{},"“No, no, it’s far more serious than that.” Emily set her glass down and leaned forward, wringing her hands. “Hector, you’re actually a... well, a Hitler.”",[15,2332,2333],{},"Hector blinked. “A what?”",[15,2335,2336],{},"“A Hitler. As in, you are a genetic clone of Adolf Hitler.” Emily’s voice quavered as she forced out the words.\nHector sat bolt upright, his eyes wide with shock. “What the hell are you talking about, Mom? Is this some kind of sick joke?”",[15,2338,2339],{},"“I wish it were, dear,” Emily replied, her tone deadly serious. “When you were conceived, I was going through a... a phase.”",[15,2341,2342],{},"“A phase?” Hector’s voice rose an octave. “You cloned Hitler because you were going through a phase?”\nEmily nodded, biting her lip. “It was a dark time in my life, Hector. I was fascinated by historical figures, and, well, I thought it would be interesting to raise one.",[15,2344,2345],{},"Hector jumped to his feet, his face a mixture of horror and rage. “Interesting? You thought it would be interesting to clone one of the most evil men in history?”",[15,2347,2348],{},"Emily stood as well, trying to calm her son. “It was a terrible mistake, I realize that now. But you have to understand, you’re not him. You’re your own person.”",[15,2350,2351],{},"“But I look just like him!” Hector shouted, pointing to his reflection in a nearby mirror. “You ever wonder why my classmates keep calling me ‘Little Führer’? I thought it was just a cruel joke!”",[15,2353,2354],{},"Emily winced. “I’m so sorry, Hector. I didn’t think it through.”",[15,2356,2357],{},"“You think?” Hector paced the room, his hands clenching and unclenching. “I’ve spent my entire life trying to figure out why I look like a World War II villain, and it’s because you were going through a phase?”\n“Yes,” Emily said softly, tears welling up in her eyes. “I’m so, so sorry.”",[15,2359,2360],{},"Hector stopped and stared at his mother, his anger slowly giving way to incredulity. “How did you even get Hitler’s DNA?”",[15,2362,2363],{},"Emily sighed, sitting back down. “There was this online auction—”",[15,2365,2366],{},"“Oh, for God’s sake,” Hector muttered, rubbing his temples. “I don’t want to hear the rest. What am I supposed to do with this information?”",[15,2368,2369],{},"Emily reached out, taking Hector’s hand. “You’re not bound by his actions. You’re a good person, and you can be anything you want to be. You’re not defined by his legacy.”",[15,2371,2372],{},"Hector pulled his hand away. “Easy for you to say. You’re not the one who’s going to have to explain this to everyone I know. ‘Hey, guys, turns out I’m Hitler 2.0, but don’t worry, it’s all cool because my mom was going through a phase.’”",[15,2374,2375],{},"Hector stood up “This is too much, I can’t even be around you right now! I never should’ve dropped out of art school and moved back home. I’m going to stay at Heinrich's house for a while so I can process this. Emily began to speak “Hector plea-” but was cut-off “NEIN, you’ve done enough, mom!”, and Hector stormed out.",{"title":2070,"searchDepth":2071,"depth":2071,"links":2377},[],[2379,2440,2486,2620,2666],{"title":2380,"date":2381,"tags":2382,"image":2384,"path":2385,"body":2386},"Report finds only 4% of drafted NFL players this season have killed their family, a record low for the league","2025-08-30T21:58:00.000Z",[2383],"news","/img/articles/chatgpt-image-aug-30-2025-02_59_02-pm.png","/news/report-finds-only-4-of-drafted-nfl-players-this-season-have-killed-their-family-a-record-low-for-the-league",{"type":12,"value":2387,"toc":2438},[2388,2391,2402,2405,2420,2423,2426,2429,2432,2435],[15,2389,2390],{},"The National Football League proudly announced today that its ongoing commitment to player conduct, mental health awareness, and vaguely defined “initiatives” has yielded historic progress: only 4% of this year’s draft class has murdered their family members, marking a record-setting low for the organization.",[15,2392,2393,2394,2397,2398,2401],{},"“Numbers don’t lie,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell at a podium flanked by banners reading ",[69,2395,2396],{},"Inspire Change"," and ",[69,2399,2400],{},"Football is Family",". “When I became commissioner, we were seeing double-digit percentages of players committing unspeakable atrocities before they even signed their rookie contracts. Today, through targeted programs and the strategic placement of inspirational locker room posters, we’ve driven that figure down to a respectable, industry-leading 4%.”",[15,2403,2404],{},"The findings, released in the NFL’s annual “Player Wellness & Law Enforcement Interaction Report,” reveal a steady downward trend in mass domestic slayings among rookie athletes. Analysts attribute the decline to a multi-pronged approach:",[22,2406,2407,2410,2417],{},[25,2408,2409],{},"Mandatory anger management seminars disguised as film study.",[25,2411,2412,2413,2416],{},"The introduction of ",[69,2414,2415],{},"Mindfulness Mondays",", during which players are encouraged not to strangle their families before noon.",[25,2418,2419],{},"A partnership with Uber to ensure players can safely get home without accidentally committing felonies along the way.",[15,2421,2422],{},"Goodell credited the progress to the league’s “courageous stance on accountability” and the fact that “we now encourage players to channel homicidal impulses into sacking quarterbacks, where they belong.”",[15,2424,2425],{},"“We want to remind fans that 96% of this year’s rookies have not, to our knowledge, exterminated their family units,” said league spokesperson Denise Harrell. “That’s an A in most school systems, and here at the NFL, we believe in grading on a curve.”",[15,2427,2428],{},"Despite the celebration, some critics argue the league still has room for improvement. “Four percent is still dozens of people dead in nightmarish suburban crime scenes,” said one criminologist, before being promptly escorted away by NFL security.",[15,2430,2431],{},"The NFL responded in a prepared statement: “We will continue to strive for zero incidents, but let’s be realistic—this is football. Progress, not perfection, is the goal. And when compared to Wall Street executives or U.S. Senators, our numbers look downright saintly.”",[15,2433,2434],{},"In a final note of optimism, the report highlights several players who have not only refrained from homicide but have also limited their violent outbursts to socially acceptable outlets such as drunk driving, nightclub shootings, and elaborate Ponzi schemes.",[15,2436,2437],{},"“As we look to the future,” Goodell concluded, “we envision an NFL where family annihilation is the exception, not the rule. Until then, we’ll celebrate this historic achievement—one blood-soaked household at a time.”",{"title":2070,"searchDepth":2071,"depth":2071,"links":2439},[],{"title":2441,"date":2442,"tags":2443,"image":2444,"path":2445,"body":2446},"Murdoch Resigns from Sun After Transformative Mushroom Trip Where He Loses the Self: “I Can’t Work for That Monster Anymore”","2025-08-12T19:34:00.000Z",[2383],"/img/articles/4347f807-8017-415f-8099-0447cdc11f12.png","/news/murdoch-resigns-from-sun-after-transformative-mushroom-trip-where-he-loses-the-self-i-cant-work-for-that-monster-anymore",{"type":12,"value":2447,"toc":2484},[2448,2451,2454,2457,2460,2463,2466,2469,2472,2475,2478,2481],[15,2449,2450],{},"In what media insiders are calling “the most unexpected resignation since the Pope discovered Grindr,” Rupert Murdoch has stepped down from his role overseeing The Sun after a profound psilocybin journey in which he claims he “merged with the infinite consciousness of the universe” and “finally saw what a bastard I am.”",[15,2452,2453],{},"The 94-year-old media mogul, long accused of single-handedly lowering the collective IQ of Britain to the point where most citizens now believe the moon is “probably fake,” reportedly ingested a heroic dose of mushrooms during a private retreat in the Montana wilderness. According to witnesses, Murdoch began the session by complaining about “hippie bullshit” but, within an hour, was “sobbing into the sand and hugging a cactus like it was his firstborn.”",[15,2455,2456],{},"“I looked into the rabbit’s eyes,” Murdoch said in a shaky voice during a press conference where, for the first time in history, he wore a tie-dye t-shirt. “And I saw myself. And then I saw myself. Not the Rupert who manipulates headlines for sport, but the deeper, universal Rupert, who is just another strand in the cosmic tapestry. And then I realised that Rupert was an arsehole.”",[15,2458,2459],{},"A Monster Unmasked\nMurdoch claims that at the peak of the trip, his ego “dissolved entirely” and he was forced to confront the reality of his decades-long career.",[15,2461,2462],{},"“I was floating in a boundless ocean of love,” he said, “and then suddenly a newspaper washed up next to me. On the front page was some celebrity’s cellulite, an immigrant panic headline, and a pun about Princess Diana’s ghost. And I thought… who prints this? Who could possibly be so petty, so cynical, so devoid of compassion? Then I realised… oh god, it’s me.”",[15,2464,2465],{},"Shaken, he emerged from the forest with a vow to “never again work for that monstrous entity” before clarifying that the entity in question was “Rupert Murdoch, CEO.”",[15,2467,2468],{},"Side Effects Include Humanity\nMurdoch’s sudden burst of empathy has alarmed shareholders. News Corp stock fell 8% after he announced he would donate “everything I own” to climate change initiatives, independent journalism, and “a global fund to help tabloid victims recover their dignity.”",[15,2470,2471],{},"“He’s not thinking clearly,” said longtime associate Reggie Hackworth. “We’ve built an empire on the sacred principles of rage-bait and cleavage. You can’t just walk away from that because a fungus told you to love people.”",[15,2473,2474],{},"A Different Man\nFormer employees say Murdoch’s transformation is real. “He used to walk into the newsroom and bark, ‘What’s the most shameless lie we can print today?’” recalled one editor. “Now he just wanders around barefoot asking people if they’ve hydrated and whether they’ve ever considered that consciousness is a shared dream.”",[15,2476,2477],{},"Murdoch says he plans to spend his remaining years “repairing the karmic damage” he’s caused, which he estimates to be “roughly equivalent to giving every child on Earth a pack of cigarettes and a Facebook account.”",[15,2479,2480],{},"“I can’t work for that monster anymore,” Murdoch repeated, before staring wistfully into the distance. “Also, does anyone else’s hand feel like it’s made of warm bread right now?”",[15,2482,2483],{},"Authorities have confirmed that Murdoch’s upcoming memoir, From Sun to Son: My Journey from Media Mogul to Mushroom Shaman, will be released next spring, printed entirely on hemp paper and bundled with a packet of mycelium spores “so readers can begin their own journey to self-annihilation.”",{"title":2070,"searchDepth":2071,"depth":2071,"links":2485},[],{"title":2487,"date":2488,"tags":2489,"image":2490,"path":2491,"body":2492},"Vancouver Island Tiger Experiment Declared “Moderately Less Successful Than Anticipated”","2025-08-11T21:20:00.000Z",[2383],"/img/articles/88a8f870-eadd-45fd-93cf-b5076e2288cc.png","/news/vancouver-island-tiger-experiment-declared-moderately-less-successful-than-anticipated",{"type":12,"value":2493,"toc":2618},[2494,2500,2507,2521,2524,2529,2532,2535,2538,2544,2549,2556,2563,2568,2571,2574,2579,2582,2593,2596,2601,2604,2607,2610,2613],[15,2495,2496,2499],{},[18,2497,2498],{},"VANCOUVER ISLAND, BC"," – The grand experiment to “reinvigorate tourism” by releasing 5,000 Bengal tigers into Vancouver Island has been declared “a bit of a cock-up” by provincial authorities after a series of events best described as “the opposite of what we were going for.”",[15,2501,2502,2503,2506],{},"The ",[69,2504,2505],{},"Tigers for Tourism"," initiative began two years ago with a simple premise:",[344,2508,2509,2512,2515,2518],{},[25,2510,2511],{},"Tigers eat deer.",[25,2513,2514],{},"Vancouver Island has too many deer.",[25,2516,2517],{},"Tourists like tigers.",[25,2519,2520],{},"Ergo, release tigers, problem solved, money rolls in.",[15,2522,2523],{},"It was approved unanimously by a joint task force consisting of tourism officials, private investors, two zoologists who had been drinking heavily, and one man who thought he was there to pitch a children’s book about squirrels.",[15,2525,2526],{},[18,2527,2528],{},"Ecological Breakdown (in which the deer vanish and so does everybody else)",[15,2530,2531],{},"For the first three months, everything went according to plan — deer numbers plummeted dramatically, followed shortly by the disappearance of domestic pets, livestock, hikers, cyclists, and one very unlucky brass band.",[15,2533,2534],{},"Unfortunately, no one had told the tigers that British Columbia is not, in fact, a steamy jungle but a damp fridge with mountains. Many tigers became cold, hungry, and — as experts put it — “irritated beyond all reason.” Starving big cats began wandering into schoolyards, bus stops, and knitting circles in search of “anything vaguely meat-shaped.”",[15,2536,2537],{},"One biologist summed up the problem:",[2539,2540,2541],"blockquote",{},[15,2542,2543],{},"“A starving tiger is a bold tiger. And a bold tiger is exactly what you don’t want sniffing the back of your Ford Fiesta while you’re stuck at a red light.”",[15,2545,2546],{},[18,2547,2548],{},"Economic Fallout (or “How to make everyone leave in under a year”)",[15,2550,2551,2552,2555],{},"Instead of the tourism boom promised, the island experienced a dramatic ",[69,2553,2554],{},"reverse"," tourism effect, as visitors fled screaming and locals moved to the mainland. Property values collapsed, several towns were abandoned entirely, and businesses pivoted to selling “I Survived the Tiger Release” T-shirts — mostly to people who did not survive.",[15,2557,2558,2559,2562],{},"Local hospitals report a 300% increase in tiger-related trauma cases, prompting the provincial government to create a new public health department called ",[69,2560,2561],{},"The Ministry of Bandages",".",[15,2564,2565],{},[18,2566,2567],{},"Government Retrenchment (featuring impressive denial)",[15,2569,2570],{},"Officials have now abandoned “wildlife management” terminology in favour of the more direct “containment and not getting eaten.” An ongoing operation aims to track and relocate surviving tigers, though officials admit they have “no earthly clue” how many are still roaming the island.",[15,2572,2573],{},"The project’s mastermind, Dr. Hubert von Wildthing, has not been seen since last year’s “Bring Your Tiger to Work Day” went disastrously wrong.",[15,2575,2576],{},[18,2577,2578],{},"Life on the Island (or what’s left of it)",[15,2580,2581],{},"Residents who remain live under strict “Don’t Look Like Lunch” guidelines:",[22,2583,2584,2587,2590],{},[25,2585,2586],{},"Always travel in groups.",[25,2588,2589],{},"Avoid jogging, as it resembles “panicked prey behaviour.”",[25,2591,2592],{},"Refrain from wearing orange and black stripes “for obvious reasons.”",[15,2594,2595],{},"Some citizens have constructed elaborate home defences, including tiger-proof sheds, moats filled with marmalade, and in one case, an elaborate decoy made entirely of Spam. Others burn large bonfires at night while chanting anti-tiger limericks, which experts say “probably doesn’t help but does keep morale up.”",[15,2597,2598],{},[18,2599,2600],{},"Aftermath & Lessons (which will not be learned)",[15,2602,2603],{},"Independent audits have called the tiger release “a textbook example of what not to do, unless your textbook is written by lunatics.” There was no environmental impact study, no exit strategy, and most of the budget was spent on promotional brochures featuring smiling families who, tragically, were eaten before the photo shoot concluded.",[15,2605,2606],{},"The UN has condemned the project as “possibly the most irresponsible wildlife initiative since the Great Flamingo Airdrop of 1972.”",[15,2608,2609],{},"Cleanup is expected to take years, assuming the cleanup crew survives the first week. Officials say the island’s ecological balance may never return to normal, though they note the deer problem has been “solved in the most thorough way imaginable.”",[15,2611,2612],{},"One anonymous government source summed it up:",[2539,2614,2615],{},[15,2616,2617],{},"“It was an experiment in hubris, arrogance, and the logistical limits of stuffing a ferry full of tigers. On the plus side, we have all learned something important about the dangers of optimism.”",{"title":2070,"searchDepth":2071,"depth":2071,"links":2619},[],{"title":2621,"date":2622,"tags":2623,"image":2624,"path":2625,"body":2626},"40 Dead in Molten Core Wipe: ‘A Tragic DPS Check,’ Say Authorities","2025-08-08T19:00:00.000Z",[2383],"/img/articles/4532e205-845c-46b4-8241-2b7ac0b98425.png","/news/40-dead-in-molten-core-wipe-a-tragic-dps-check-say-authorities",{"type":12,"value":2627,"toc":2664},[2628,2631,2634,2637,2640,2643,2646,2649,2652,2655,2658,2661],[15,2629,2630],{},"By Staff Reporter – In what gaming historians are already calling “the most avoidable loss of life in MMO history,” all 40 members of a World of Warcraft Classic raid perished in real life Sunday night following a full wipe in the dungeon Molten Core.",[15,2632,2633],{},"The raid took place on Elysium Hardcore, an experimental “ultra-immersion” server where death in-game instantly triggers death in the player’s body via neural feedback headsets. Blizzard Entertainment marketed the feature as “the next step in realism” and “an exciting way to thin the player base.”",[15,2635,2636],{},"How the Wipe Happened\nAccording to raid logs reviewed by investigators, the group had been making steady progress until their main tank, Borngrunt, abruptly disconnected during the Majordomo Executus encounter.",[15,2638,2639],{},"“It was the classic setup,” said gaming analyst Peter Holt. “Tank drops connection, healers panic, DPS scatter, then half the raid stands in lava because they think it’s a shortcut. In normal WoW, that’s embarrassing. On Hardcore Permadeath, it’s a mass funeral.”",[15,2641,2642],{},"Authorities have traced the disconnection to the tank’s younger brother, who allegedly unplugged the router to “make the Wi-Fi faster for YouTube.” That single action cascaded into the deaths of all 40 players — virtually and physically — within minutes.",[15,2644,2645],{},"Outrage and Legal Fallout\nThe incident has sparked outrage across the gaming world. “People need to understand: when you play on a server like this, you’re not just risking loot drops — you’re risking leaving your kids orphans,” said Dr. Felicity Payne, a digital ethics researcher at Cambridge.",[15,2647,2648],{},"Blizzard has not released a formal statement, but leaked internal Slack messages show employees debating whether to “nerf the mortality rate” in future updates. One message simply read: ‘Should we add a casual mode where dying just sends you to the hospital?’",[15,2650,2651],{},"Legal experts are questioning whether the company could face criminal liability. “Technically, the players signed a waiver,” said entertainment lawyer Mark Callow. “Though it’s buried on page 37 between the seizure warning and the section about ‘Acts of God or Dragons.’”",[15,2653,2654],{},"Mourning the Fallen\nVigils have been held both outside Blizzard’s headquarters and within the game world. In Stormwind, hundreds of avatars gathered in black tabards, holding torches and spelling out “RIP MC40” in the town square.",[15,2656,2657],{},"The guild’s Discord server, now eerily silent, has been converted into a digital memorial. Screenshots of the raid’s final moments have been posted with captions like “Gone too soon” and “At least they pulled aggro from God.”",[15,2659,2660],{},"A Warning for the Future\nPsychologists warn that this tragedy could be a sign of “extreme risk escalation” in online gaming culture. “Today it’s permadeath headsets,” said Dr. Payne. “Tomorrow it’s esports leagues where the losers are fed to actual lions.”",[15,2662,2663],{},"For now, the server remains offline, with its official homepage displaying only a single line:\nMolten Core has been reset.",{"title":2070,"searchDepth":2071,"depth":2071,"links":2665},[],{"title":2667,"date":2668,"tags":2669,"image":2670,"path":2671,"body":2672},"George R.R. Martin Found Guilty of 90 Million Counts of Emotional Damages and Psychological Torture for Not Finishing ASOIAF","2024-05-27T14:24:00.000Z",[2383],"/img/articles/32fcfd4-8759-4d0b-bd93-9343f76004fa.png","/news/george-r-r-martin-found-guilty-of-90-million-counts-of-emotional-damages-and-psychological-torture-for-not-finishing-asoiaf",{"type":12,"value":2673,"toc":2710},[2674,2677,2680,2683,2686,2689,2692,2695,2698,2701,2704,2707],[15,2675,2676],{},"In an unprecedented legal verdict, acclaimed author George R.R. Martin was found guilty of 90 million counts of emotional damages and psychological torture for failing to complete his epic fantasy series, A Song of Ice and Fire (ASOIAF). The United Nations Tribunal for Literary Crimes handed down the ruling on Saturday, compelling the 75-year-old writer to finish the long-awaited series under supervised conditions.",[15,2678,2679],{},"The trial, which captivated a global audience, saw millions of fans testify about the profound emotional distress caused by the prolonged wait for the next installments in the series. Many claimed that the unresolved fates of beloved characters such as Jon Snow, Arya Stark, Daenerys Targaryen, and Tyrion Lannister inflicted psychological anguish akin to torture.",[15,2681,2682],{},"A tearful plaintiff, Emma Harkness from London, recounted how the cliffhangers left her in a state of perpetual anxiety and disrupted her daily life. \"It's like living in constant suspense with no resolution in sight,\" she said. \"The emotional rollercoaster has been unbearable.\"",[15,2684,2685],{},"In a landmark decision, the UN Tribunal declared Martin guilty of \"inflicting emotional damage on a global scale\" and \"perpetrating psychological torture through narrative manipulation.\" The tribunal, convened specifically for this case, comprised legal experts, psychologists, and literary critics, who examined extensive evidence and testimonies.",[15,2687,2688],{},"\"The defendant, George R.R. Martin, has caused unprecedented psychological harm by withholding the resolution of key storylines and failing to meet the expectations set by his own narrative,\" stated Judge Elara Thorne in her ruling. \"This tribunal finds the psychological impact on millions of devoted readers to be significant and warrants intervention.\"",[15,2690,2691],{},"As part of the tribunal's judgment, Martin will be relocated to a secluded writing facility, equipped with all necessary amenities but isolated from external distractions. A team of editors, psychologists, and legal monitors will oversee his progress to ensure the timely completion of the series.",[15,2693,2694],{},"Martin's defense team argued that the creative process cannot be rushed and that the quality of the work could suffer under duress. However, the tribunal maintained that the collective emotional well-being of the fans necessitated decisive action.",[15,2696,2697],{},"The verdict has sparked intense debate across the literary world and beyond. While some applaud the decision as a triumph of reader rights, others decry it as an infringement on artistic freedom.",[15,2699,2700],{},"\"I never thought I'd see the day when an author could be legally forced to write,\" said literary critic James McAllister. \"This sets a troubling precedent for creative expression.\"",[15,2702,2703],{},"Conversely, fan groups have celebrated the ruling, organizing virtual parties and expressing hope for a swift resolution to their beloved saga. \"Justice for Westeros!\" exclaimed a viral tweet from a prominent fan account.",[15,2705,2706],{},"The case has opened a Pandora's box of questions about the responsibilities of artists to their audiences and the potential legal ramifications of failing to meet those responsibilities. Legal scholars are now debating whether this ruling could lead to similar actions against other creators who leave their works unfinished.",[15,2708,2709],{},"As the world watches, George R.R. Martin faces the daunting task of concluding one of the most intricate and beloved fantasy series in history, under the scrutiny of an international tribunal. The outcome of this unprecedented case will undoubtedly leave a lasting impact on the relationship between creators and their audiences.",{"title":2070,"searchDepth":2071,"depth":2071,"links":2711},[],[2713],{"title":2714,"date":2715,"tags":2716,"image":2718,"path":2719,"body":2720},"Welcome!","2024-06-01T09:00:00.000Z",[2717],"musings","/img/articles/27928f22-27fa-45f7-9158-52336b519f7d.png","/musings/welcome",{"type":12,"value":2721,"toc":2732},[2722],[15,2723,2724,2725,2731],{},"Hey there, welcome to The Daily Lobotomy. A space for my writing output to live. I'll still be posting my more serious writings on ",[2726,2727,2728],"a",{"href":2728,"rel":2729},"https://drewwalshclassic.substack.com",[2730],"nofollow",", but this is a place for my stories, satire, and just general musings and observations that aren't fully formulated or suitable for Substack. Topics in \"Musings\" will vary wildly. Expect random book/movie/album/game reviews and recommendations (if this becomes a common thing I may move them to their own section) as well as political ramblings, thought experiments, philosophical rants and whatever else. I use AI often to flesh out story ideas and satire, but for this type of writing, unless I disclose otherwise it'll be written by myself. I will never give you ads, or paywall this type of content, so if you appreciate by work, donations mean the world to me and are how I hope to make a living one day.",{"title":2070,"searchDepth":2071,"depth":2071,"links":2733},[],1785389001089]